Chiral
by sinemoras09
Summary: Twenty years of a relationship, from beginning to end. Collection of oneshots and drabbles. Doofus Rick/Diane. AU. Warnings for character death and miscarriage. No spoilers.
1. Alternate

_Author's note: this was published as a separate story. For completeness' sake I'm including this fic here_.

* * *

.

In another universe, there's a Diane who doesn't know that the awkward, gangly man with the buck teeth and bowl cut has a crush on her.

That Diane has no idea - the man is too embarrassed, too self-conscious to say anything. They pass each other in the coffee shop, and there's whispers about him, that he's a genius and secretly brilliant, but whenever she glances up at him, he quickly averts his eyes.

This Diane decides to talk to him.

xXx

.

_Funny-looking_ is a mean descriptor, but it's the first thing that pops in Diane's mind when she looks at him. He's all long limbs and awkward angles, his body bony and frighteningly thin beneath a dingy lab coat and rumpled shirt. He's too busy with his experiments to go to the barber, only occasionally shaving through the messy ends with a pair of clippers, and his buck teeth are stained yellow from countless cups of midnight coffee while trying to stay awake.

"Which eye is your good eye?" she asks him, because unlike the other Dianes in other universes, she's forward and direct, and she knows the lazy eye bothers him.

"My right one," he says. He touches his face self-consciously.

"I'll look at your right one, then," she says, and focuses her gaze accordingly.

He's shy. He keeps his mouth closed when he smiles, looking at his hands, fidgeting nervously. His knee bounces when he's anxious, and for all his genius, he can't speak without stuttering awkwardly.

"I like you," Diane says, because this Diane understands this Rick won't make the first move, this Rick needs to be gently coaxed.

xXx

.

This Diane leans forward for their first kiss.

It's a nice kiss. She feels his soft, dry lips press hesitantly against hers, and she kisses him softly, leaning in to nudge her head closer while she smiles against his lips.

He breaks out into a huge grin, beaming happily at her as she holds him. Diane grins and cups his face, fanning her thumb against the side of his cheek.

She giggles. They press their foreheads together as a young Doofus Rick laughs softly, giddy with the realization that his Diane really does like him. He's cute when he laughs and Diane stands up on her tiptoes to kiss him again, pulling him down to meet her height and smiling while they kiss.

(It's his first time when they make love, and as they breathe and sigh and cling to each other, he tells her, "Gosh, Diane, y-you're so pretty." He kisses her deeply and slides up inside her. "You're so, so pretty, Diane.")

xXx

.

When they hold hands, she'll sometimes rub the pad of her thumb across his knuckles.

People stare at them, because there's this buck-tooth, bowl-headed, awkward guy with a lazy eye, holding hands with a pretty, smiling, freckled blonde. People stare harder when she's pregnant, and that goofy-looking guy grins stupidly as he strokes her belly, his face lighting up whenever he feels their daughter's kicks.

Unlike the other Ricks, this Rick is sensitive: when Beth is born, this Rick starts to cry.

xXx

.

His Beth, unlike the other Beths, has a happy childhood.

This Beth has a father who doesn't leave her. This Beth has a mother who loves her father. This Beth has a family who laughs together, plays stupid board games and eats dinner together.

This Beth still has a Froopyland, but unlike the other Beths, this Beth's father goes in there with her.

xXx

.

This Beth still gets pregnant by an older boy named Jerry.

Doofus Rick stands, at a loss, while his daughter sniffs and stands hunched in front of him, holding her arm across her chest and not looking at him. "I'm sorry, Dad," she says, and greasy tears roll down her face, which is red and blotchy. "I'm really, really sorry."

"I-it's okay," Doofus Rick says, and he kneels in front of her. "It's okay, Beth, w-we'll take care of this together. Whatever you want to do, sweetie, we'll always love you. It's gonna be okay." And Beth bursts into tears because she's always loved her father.

xXx

.

Like all the other Dianes, his Diane dies, suddenly and tragically.

He moves in with his daughter, because his house has too many memories, and because his Beth can't stand the thought of her father being all alone.

xXx

.

He's sitting at the kitchen table, with Jerry and Beth and Summer and Morty, and they're talking and laughing and eating pancakes when suddenly a portal opens in the wall.

"Oh, I-I'm sorry. Is this a bad time?" Another Doofus Rick steps out to meet him. "Gosh, I-I didn't mean to interrupt your breakfast. I-I'm Rick J-19-Zeta-7. A-are you Rick J-19-Omega-12?"

"Y-yeah, I am," he says, smiling. He stands up to greet him. "Hi." His family looks up at him quizzically but he smiles reassuringly.

He goes over to shake the other Rick's hand.

xXx

.

The other Doofus Rick looks just like him. Same bowl cut, same buck teeth. Even the lazy eye drifts at an angle just like his.

Zeta-7 just wants to talk, and so this Rick nods and motions for him to come with him, they can have some privacy in his laboratory.

"So, y-you're not part of the Citadel?" Zeta-7 looks around, looks at the family photos hanging up on the wall.

"No need. I-I don't travel off-world and I don't visit other dimensions. I'm busy enough with my research."

"Cancer research?" Zeta-7 asks, and Omega-12 nods.

"Me too!" Zeta-7 says, and his face splits into a grin. "Did you, did you discover a cure yet?"

"I-I'm working on it. I think I'm getting closer to it."

"You know, i-if you induce the NAT transporter in the herpes virus, y-you can increase the efficacy of the oncolytic."

"Really?" Omega-12 says, and Zeta-7 nods enthusiastically. "Gosh, that's brilliant. H-h-how did I never think of that?"

"W-well. I have nothing better to do. I-I never had a family, so I spend most of my time in the lab."

Omega-12 blinks. Unlike Omega-12, Zeta-7 never married. He never had a Beth and he didn't have a Morty.

"Sounds lonely," Omega-12 says, and Zeta-7 nods, quietly.

"I just...I just wanted to see," Zeta-7 says. He looks at his hands, quietly. "I just wanted to see what it'd be like if I had a family."

Zeta-7 looks up, and Omega-12 can see his eyes are shining. Omega-12 smiles at him sadly.

The other Ricks in the Central Finite Curve weren't like them. The other Ricks were angry and acerbic, the Citadel filled with a whole city of them. "There aren't many of us J-19s," Zeta-7 says. Omega-12 nods, knowingly.

"H-hey man," Omega-12 says, as Zeta-7 starts to stand. "I-if you ever want to come and visit, you know. You're more than welcome to join me and my family."

"Thanks, Omega-12," Zeta-7 says, and he shoots a portal. "It's good to know I've got you and C-137's Jerry."

The portal winks shut. Omega-12 walks up the stairs back to the kitchen, then quietly shuts the door behind him.


	2. Chiral (mature)

_Author's note: this version has been edited to comply with the content guidelines of this site. The original explicit version can be read on AO3 at archiveofourown dot org slash works slash 22170631.  
_

* * *

.

1.

It's the end of a first date, and a young Doofus Rick sits uncertainly on a couch in Diane's apartment.

She's invited him up for a drink, and stupidly he tells her he doesn't really like the taste of alcohol that much, he has to get up early for his latest round of experiments, he doesn't want to waste her time but gosh, he had a really good time with her, he hopes she had a really good time with him. Normally the date would end, Diane thinking, "Well I guess he doesn't like me that much," but this Diane knows better. This Diane steps forward, takes Doofus Rick by the hand, and tells him, "Drinks are euphemisms for sex, dummy."

"I-it is?"

"Yes. Do you want to go upstairs with me or what?"

Now he's sitting on her couch, bouncing his leg awkwardly while she fixes them both a drink - a ginger ale for him, a vodka tonic for her - and after she watches him fiddle with his cup for a little bit, she gives a long suffering sigh and scoots closer, picking his hand up and putting it squarely on her breast.

Doofus Rick blinks. "U-um..."

"You know, most guys would put the soda down by now."

He withdraws his hand tentatively, and while other Dianes would take this as an acute sign of rejection, this Diane shakes her head, then leans forward to kiss him.

It's a nice kiss. Chaste, if not a little awkward. She can feel his soft, dry lips press tentatively against hers, both of his spindly hands coming up to cup her face.

She leans back a little, then unbuttons her shirt.

This Diane knows her Rick would never make the first move. Doofus Rick stares, breathing a little bit harder, eyes going a little bit wider, as her fingers delicately unbutton her shirt, one button at a time, then slowly pulls off the sleeves. Her bra is red and her pale blonde hair brushes against the line of her clavicles. She sits back and smiles at him.

"Diane..." his good eye follows the curve of her breast, then forces its way back to her face. "Y-you really want to do this? W-with someone like me?"

"What do you mean?" Diane says. Her hands rest lightly on his chest as she looks up at him, smiling.

"I mean, I-I'm not...you know. A-and you're..." his words trail off. "You're so beautiful," he says, and she smiles.

"You're sweet," she says. She steps closer, circling her arms around his waist. He exhales, blushing brightly.

"A-are you sure?" he asks again.

She answers by taking his hand on placing it on her breast again. "Yes," she says. He swallows, nervously.

"Diane. I-I've never...I've never done this before, Diane."

"It's okay." She kisses him deeply. "C'mon. Let's go to the bedroom. The couch is uncomfortable."

xXx

.

2.

They stay at Diane's, mostly because his place is cramped with piles of draft paper and half-finished inventions, several screws and metal pieces strewn all over the floor.

"Where do you sleep?" Diane asks, because his bed is covered by mounds of unfolded laundry and various tools.

"Oh, um." Doofus Rick bounds over to the bed, clumsily. "I-I usually just push everything to the floor, like this." And he sweeps one gangly arm across the bed, pushing everything off. Diane groans good-naturedly.

They kiss in his bed, Diane lying flush on top of him. He sighs quietly as she mouths the side of his neck, and as she moves to kiss him again she slides her hands up around his torso and palms his skinny ribs - he forgets to eat sometimes, too focused on working on his inventions - and she presses a soft kiss against his throat before resting her cheek on his sternum.

There is a hollow tube wedged between the wall and the mattress, just at the end of the bed. "What is this?" Diane asks. She curls her bare legs beneath her, unscrewing the cap.

"I-it's a formula for concentrated dark matter," Doofus Rick says. He pulls out the schematics, showing her. "I-it's just a theory, you know, for interstellar travel."

"Wow," Diane says, and she leafs through his papers.

They get ready to go out. Diane brushes her hair and puts on her lipstick, smiling a little as Doofus Rick dresses behind her. She takes him by the hand, and they're about to walk out of the bedroom when Doofus Rick catches their reflection in the mirror. Usually he doesn't particularly care what he looked like, so long as his clothes are clean and his hair is out of his eyes - so it's a shock to him when he finally sees himself, tall and thin and awkward, a beautiful woman holding hands with a ridiculous-looking man.

But Diane catches their reflection the same time he does, and she glances up at him and smiles reassuringly, pulling him close and squeezing his hand.

xXx

.

3.

"Diane?"

"Hm?"

"W-why are you with me, Diane?"

They had been going for a walk when Doofus Rick had stopped suddenly, people walking around them as he stood and asked her the question."I don't know," she says. She takes both his hands in hers, affectionately. "I could ask you the same question, Rick. Why are you with me?"

He ducks his head, embarrassed. "I-I think... maybe because you like me?"

Diane laughs and wraps her arms around his waist, teasingly. "So are you saying, because I'm the only one who likes you, you have to settle for me?"

Doofus Rick's eyes go wide. "N-no, Diane! O-of course not, I-I-I didn't mean it like that-"

She hugs him, smiling. "I'm kidding," she says, and she can see the relief washing over him. She rubs her thumb over his knuckles, considering. "I don't know. You're a good person. That's all that really matters to me."

He smiles, and his eyes turn bright and glassy.

"Rick," she says, worried. She reaches up to touch his face. "Why are you asking me this?" He smiles at her ruefully.

"I-I was just thinking, you know. Without you, I'd be really lonely."

Diane smiles, then presses a soft kiss against his lips. "Me too," she says, softly.

xXx

.

He's kind and considerate, and devastatingly, remarkably intelligent. One quick glance is all it takes for him to figure out how something works, to dress it down to its barest elements and rebuilding something sleeker and leaner. He's handy, fixing her errant plumbing issues or squeaky hinges on rickety doors, and she's only a little surprised when she walks into her apartment and sees him taking out the pipes beneath her sink, explaining the garbage disposal is making a strange sound, he's going to fix it.

She loves his face. The way he looks at her adoringly, the way he smiles shyly. Some days he looks at her as if he can't quite believe she's with him, and she'll push up on her tip-toes and kiss him, grinning against his mouth. He's tall and gangly and he practically folds in half when he bends down to kiss her, and she loves how warm he feels when he holds her in his arms.

"Ugh, Diane, your boyfriend is a mess," her friends say, crinkling their noses at him. "Jesus. What's up with that awful hair?"

"It's cute," Diane says, and her friends huff and roll their eyes.

She can't explain it. She watches him as he sleeps, his face tucked into her shoulder and smiling quietly. He even smiles in his sleep, she finds, and she fluffs his hair, fondly. Sometimes she'll press soft kisses against his forehead, and he'll smile happily against her, hugging her in his sleep.

And damn if she can't explain how strangely sexy it is, how this shy goofy-looking guy will reach out for her in the middle of the night, kiss her deeply and push up inside her.

xXx

.

.

"Diane?"

She shifts, sleepily. "Yes?"

"I love you, Diane."

She smiles. "I love you too."

"Do you...do you want to get married, Diane?"

His voice is soft. Shy, unsure.

She furrows her brow and turns to face him. She rests her head against his pillow.

"Did you just...ask me to marry you?" she asks, frowning. Doofus Rick nods, smiling shyly.

She lets out a laugh. "Really?" she says, smiling. He smiles and nods again, scooting closer.

"Will you?" he asks, and she laughs, hugging him.

"I can't believe you just asked me!" she laughs.

"So then, i-is that a yes?"

"Oh my god, Rick, _yes_, it's a yes!" Diane says. Doofus Rick clasps her hands.

"I-I don't have a ring yet. W-w-w-we can buy one tomorrow," Doofus Rick says earnestly. Diane laughs and kisses his neck.

"I love you," she says, searching his eyes. Doofus Rick starts to cry.

"Rick!" Diane laughs, and then she hugs him, scooting closer in the bed. Doofus Rick sniffs and laughs sheepishly.

"I-I'm just really happy, Diane."

They smile and kiss, and she pulls the covers over them.

xXx

.

4.

He's tinkering in the garage when Diane opens the door.

"Honey, I'm ovulating."

Doofus Rick looks up. His face splits into a happy grin as Diane motions toward him. "Get over here," she says.

He trots over happily, then burrows his face in her neck as he hugs her. "What are you working on?" she asks.

"Nothing really. I-I-I think I figured out a formula for portal fluid, but right now it's all just theoretical."

"Hm." Diane beams up at him, then reaches up to caress his face. "C'mon, honey. These eggs are poppin'."

"O-okay."

He gives her a stupid, goofy grin and she laughs at him, slipping her arms underneath his lab coat to circle his waist.

They're kissing in the bedroom when she whispers, "If we have a baby, what do you think we'll have?"

"Gosh, Diane, I-I don't know." His grin slips a notch as she mouths a sensitive spot on his chest. "Oh, geez."

He rolls on top of her. Her fingers thread through his hair as he wraps his arms around her, hugging her body close as he moves inside her.

Trying-to-conceive sex is frenzied, hope-the-time-is-right sex. It's sex in the back of a homemade spaceship because they're too far to make it home in time and they hope to god no one can see them when they hover in autopilot. It's sex sitting up on a workbench in the garage because the thought of having Doofus Rick's baby makes Diane too impatient to wait the thirty seconds it takes to walk inside the house.

It's sad, comforting sex, when Diane has her period again, when she takes a test and finds she's still not pregnant.

xXx

.

He can't stop touching her belly. They sit on the couch and he coos into her belly, grinning happily and nuzzling her bump with his face.

"You're silly," Diane says, and Doofus Rick beams up at her happily.

He goes on errands for her. Ice cream runs and pickle runs, and middle-of-the-night soft pretzel runs. In his free time, he tinkers with his teleportation gun, because if he can teleport to the store, he'd be able to get her those things faster.

xXx

.

When they try for a second child, it doesn't come as easily.

She miscarries twice at home, and then a third time at the OB-GYN's office, ugly crying in a sterile room, because at twelve weeks the ultrasound shows no heartbeat and the doctor has to vacuum the fetus out of her.

Doofus Rick holds her, feeling helpless and inadequate, because for all his genius he can't do anything to help her.

xXx

.

"Rick?"

"Yeah, Diane?"

Her voice is soft. Her eyes are puffy from crying. "I don't want to try anymore, Rick."

Doofus Rick hugs her. "I-it's okay, Diane." He kisses her hair, pressing his hand at the back of her head. "I'm just happy I have my two girls, Diane."

Diane hiccups, then laughs, crying softly. Doofus Rick hugs her and kisses her hair.

(She doesn't go back on birth control; he has a vasectomy instead. It's the only way to make sure she doesn't go through that again.)

xXx

.

5.

"Daddy," six year-old Beth says, as she peers over Doofus Rick's workbench. "Can you make me a dolly with anatomically correct innards?"

Doofus Rick raises his eyebrows. "W-w-w-why would you want that?" he asks.

"Because I want to cut things!" little Beth says.

Diane freaks out when she catches Beth torturing a small rat.

"I didn't kill it, Mommy, it was already dead!" Beth says, pouting. Doofus Rick steers Diane away from her.

He sits Beth on his knee and looks her in the eyes, very seriously. "Sweetie. I-i-it's not good to hurt things."

"I know that, Daddy," Beth chirps. Doofus Rick shakes his head.

"Sweetie, I-I heard from the neighbor about what that little boy said," Doofus Rick says. "I-i-is it true you tried to cut him?"

"Because he called me a poopy head!"

"I worry about her," Diane says. She stands at Beth's doorway, watching her sleep. "Rick. She scares the neighborhood kids. Everyone's afraid of her."

Doofus Rick touches her arm.

"Y-you know, Diane, when I was little, I-I didn't really have any friends," Doofus Rick says.

"Yes, but Rick. She _cuts_ things. Doesn't that make you at least a little bit worried?"

"She could, she could become a surgeon," Doofus Rick says.

"A surgeon?" Diane looks at him doubtfully.

"Beth is smart! She could definitely be a surgeon, you know, if she wants."

"But what about all the little boys she beats up?" Diane says. Doofus Rick shakes his head.

"She told me they were being mean," Doofus Rick says.

He borrows a few surgical textbooks. It doesn't take long before Doofus Rick commits to memory the details of human anatomy overnight, flipping through the chapters until he's memorized each artery, each innominate vein and errant nerve, the anatomical variants that could be found during routine surgery.

"What's this?" Beth says, and Doofus Rick shows her the Froopyland doll.

"I-i-it's like a homunculus, Beth! Y-y-you could cut it open and practice!"

They go exploring together in Froopyland. He anesthetizes Froopyland creatures, lets her transplant hearts and lungs, reset bones and screw in metal plates with orthopedic tools. Like the other Ricks in the Central Finite Curve, he basically sequesters her: unlike the other Ricks, though, Doofus Rick goes in Froopyland and joins her.

xXx

.

"Rick?"

"Y-yeah, Diane?"

"Beth is asleep," Diane says. She sits with her bare legs curled beneath her on top of the bed. "Do you want to...?"

Doofus Rick breaks out into a huge grin. He trots over to the bed, then hugs her.

They're having sex quietly and furtively beneath the covers, in the dark without any light, when little Beth bursts through the door.

"I had a bad dream!" Beth says, and Doofus Rick startles and Diane shrieks, yanking up the covers.

"Rick didn't you lock the door?!"

"I did!" Doofus Rick says, and they look at Beth and they see her holding a screwdriver in her little hand; she had picked the lock. "Sweetie, did you...did you pick the lock?" Beth sticks out her chin, defiantly.

"Daddy! You and Mommy shouldn't lock the door!"

xXx

.

6.

Beth graduates high school when she turns thirteen, because she's a genius just like her father.

"Mom! Dad! I got into Johns Hopkins and Harvard!" Beth says, and she waves the acceptance letters in front of them.

"I don't know that I want her to go," Diane says later, and Doofus Rick flips through the acceptance letters hesitantly. "I don't like the idea of her living so far away when she's so young."

"I-I mean, we could move. But I-I'm worried it might be too competitive, you know, it might be too much pressure for her."

They tell Beth she's going to a community college, close enough that she can still live at home. "Your father will drive you," Diane says. "When you're older, you can go to Harvard or Johns Hopkins or wherever else you want for medical school. But if you stay here, you can still see all your old friends."

"But it's not fair!" Beth says. She turns to Doofus Rick, plaintively. "Dad! Tell her it's not fair!" But he takes her mom's side, which feels like a betrayal.

"I-it's hard," Doofus Rick says. "I-I went to grad school when I was even younger than you, a-a-and I had a hard time making other friends."

"That's because you're a frickin' dweeb, Dad!"

"Beth!" Diane says. Beth yells dramatically, "I'm never getting into a top tier med school because Dad couldn't make any friends!"

Doofus Rick starts, "Sweetie, u-undergrad doesn't matter, i-i-it's just your test scores and your MCATs-"

"Stop lying to me! I hate you, Dad!" Beth says, because for all her genius she's still a teenager who feels Big Emotions, yelling angrily and slamming her bedroom door.

xXx

.

He embarrasses his teenage daughter on a daily basis. The years go by and their relationship gets worse.

"Dad, what is it with you and that stupid bowl haircut," Beth says, and she cringes visibly when he drops her off and tries to kiss her goodbye in front of her college friends. "Oh my God, Dad, you're so embarrassing," she says, when he tries to bond with her but comes off sounding dorky and confused. "Can't you fix your teeth or put an eyepatch over your lazy eye?" she grouses, because she's seventeen and a brat and has a lot of opinions.

"It's a phase," Diane says, because Doofus Rick's feelings are hurt, he loves his daughter more than anything and she wants nothing to do with him.

Diane finds him moping in the dark by a rainbow river in Froopyland, a thousand twinkling stars glittering in a synthetic night sky. "She used to love fishing for Froopy creatures with me," Doofus Rick says, and Diane sees his lower lip start to tremble.

Diane leans back, watching as her husband manfully sniffs back tears in the artificial moonlight. She lifts a hand and fluffs his hair, and he lifts his eyes, smiling ruefully.

"Beth is staying over at Janet's tonight, right?" Diane asks. Janet is one of Beth's high school friends. Doofus Rick nods.

"Y-yeah," he says. "She's helping her with that science project."

Diane grins at him.

The ground is loamy and soft, designed to absorb the impact from accidental falls from the Froopyland cliffsides rising above them. There's a breeze, and in the darkness Diane can feel the tall grasses brushing against her as she leans forward.

They kiss softly, Diane moving onto his lap while Doofus Rick leans forward unsteadily. "Diane?"

"Yeah?" She drops another kiss against his lips, smiling.

"A-am I dorky-looking?"

"Very," Diane says, and she grins and kisses him again.

They take a walk down the bank of the river. The moon hangs unnaturally large in the synthetic sky, its blue and white reflection glittering like coins on the rainbow water.

"This is beautiful," Diane says, and Doofus Rick reaches out to hold her hand. She lists sideways against him, and Doofus Rick's face lights up in a goofy grin. Diane laughs softly, and she laces her fingers around his. The night really is beautiful, and she lifts her face toward the cool breeze, the grasses rustling and the surface of the rainbow river glistening like the iridescent sheen of oil.

There's the sound of giggling just at the bottom of the hill.

"Rick? What's that?" Diane says, and they trudge upward. The giggles grow louder as they crest the top of the hill. Doofus Rick stops and Diane's eyes widen:

Beth and a strange boy are making out and necking topless in the grass, rolling around the bottom of the hill.

"Beth?!" Diane charges forward, murder in her eyes as Beth and the boy jerk back.

"Mom?!" Beth grabs her shirt, horrified, while the boy fumbles for his pants.

"I thought you were spending the night at Janet's?!"

"Diane-" Doofus Rick grabs Diane's hand.

"Rick! Our daughter is half-naked, Rick!"

"I-I know, Diane, just, just let her put on her pants-"

"Oh my god, were you spying on me?!" Beth says. "I can't believe it! You guys were _spying_ on me!" Diane starts to charge forward again but Doofus Rick pulls her back.

"Let's, let's just everyone wait a minute a-a-a-and go ahead and get dressed," Doofus Rick says. The boy clears his throat, then sticks out his hand.

"H-hi, Mr. and Mrs. Sanchez, my name is Jerry Smith," the boy says. Beth snaps.

"Goddammit, Jerry, don't be an idiot, my dad's not gonna shake your hand!"

"O-okay, kids. Honey. Let's just...let's just take a deep breath, a-a-and let's talk about it," Doofus Rick says. Diane whirls around.

"Talk about it?! Rick! Your daughter was being _molested_-"

"I was not!" Beth says. Doofus Rick looks on helplessly as his girls start shouting at each other, their voices overlapping, incomprehensible.

"Um." Jerry kicks a rock by his foot. "Mr. Sanchez? Um. Is it okay if we go home?"

xXx

.

The car ride home is a silent one.

Despite his looks, Jerry Smith is a college kid, a few years older than Beth and already a senior. Beth didn't tell them because she thought Diane and Doofus Rick would disapprove of their relationship.

Doofus Rick drives Jerry back, because the boy left his car parked outside a McDonald's where he and Beth had started making out; he was rounding the bases but the car was cramped, but Beth just smirked at him slyly and pulled out the glittery chalk from the pocket of her purse.

"I-I'm not mad," Doofus Rick starts, but Jerry yelps and flinches in his car seat. "H-hey, Jerry, i-it's okay. W-w-w-what did you say your name was? Jerry Smith?"

"Y-yes sir, Jerry Smith, sir," Jerry says, and Doofus Rick can tell the boy is terrified.

"Look, I-I'm not going to yell," Doofus Rick says. He glances back at Jerry, then looks back out into the road. "I-I'm not happy about what happened, but I'm smart enough to know i-i-it's better to get to know my daughter's boyfriends instead of having her hide them. I-it was a mistake," Doofus Rick says, and he glances back at Jerry. "I don't like that she lied to us, Jerry. We raised her better than that. But kids do stupid things sometimes. Believe me. I-it's okay."

Jerry wilts under his seatbelt, chastened. "I'm really sorry, Mr. Sanchez."

"Hey, Jerry. I-it's okay."

Jerry looks like he's about to burst into tears.

Doofus Rick drops Jerry off at the parking lot, waving away Jerry's insistent apologies. "A-all I care about is that Beth is happy," Doofus Rick says, and Jerry nods quickly.

The car door shuts. Doofus Rick watches as Jerry waves awkwardly before going to his car. He seems like a good kid.

He pulls into the driveway; it's nighttime and the windows are yellow squares of light against the darkened house. He can hear Diane yelling even as he walks outside.

"Beth, what are you using for protection?!" Diane asks, as Doofus Rick opens the door.

Diane follows Beth from room to room, while Beth moans and groans only the way a know-it-all seventeen year-old does, because Beth already knows everything and oh my god, she doesn't want to _talk_ about this, Mom!, while Doofus Rick trails behind them, helplessly.

"Why didn't you tell me you were sleeping with him?" Diane says. "We need to get you on the pill, Beth Sanchez. Are you at least using condoms?"

"Oh my god, _Mom_..."

"Your Father and I used condoms when we started dating-"

"Mom! I don't want to hear about it, Mom!"

"-because I was being _proactive_ about using protection, Beth Sanchez, I- don't you roll your eyes at me!" Diane says, following Beth into the bedroom. "When I was your age I made sure I wouldn't get pregnant!"

"That's because Dad was a fucking charity case!" Beth says.

"Charity case?" Doofus Rick echoes, while Diane chases her into the living room.

There's a screaming match, the overdramatic kind with slamming doors and top-of-the-lung yelling that it's none of their business what she does, she loves Jerry, she loves him! while Diane hollers back that she doesn't _care_ if Beth is having sex, she lied to them, she just wants to make sure Beth is using protection.

"I am going to throttle that girl," Diane says. She flops next to Doofus Rick on the couch. Doofus Rick pulls her close and leans her against his shoulder.

"I-i-it's okay, Diane, we'll take her to the doctor tomorrow," Doofus Rick says. Diane pats his leg.

They sit on the couch silently. Upstairs, Beth is on the phone, yelling angrily at whatever young hapless person is sitting on the other end. Beth's voice is muffled; they can't hear exactly what she's saying, but they know she's yelling about them.

"So? Did you read the riot act to that kid?" Diane asks. Doofus Rick shakes his head. Diane starts. "Rick! He was sleeping with our daughter, Rick-"

"I-I know, Diane, but I think it's better to get to know him. I don't want her to sneak around, I-I'd rather it be out in the open."

"I can't believe she called you a charity case," Diane grumbles, wrapping her arms around him. Doofus Rick kisses her temple, rubbing her arm. "How are you so calm about this?" Diane asks. Doofus Rick shakes his head.

"I-I mean, if we had met earlier, i-i-it could have been us instead of them-"

Diane sighs, tragically. "I hate that you're so logical. I wish you'd kick his ass."

xXx

.

Beth forgets to take her pills. Jerry's spotty when it comes to using condoms.

Doofus Rick is in the garage, working on calibrating one of his inventions, when Beth shuffles up to the door.

"Dad?"

Doofus Rick looks up. Beth is holding her elbow. She isn't looking at him.

"Sweetie. W-what's wrong?"

Beth's eyes fill with tears.

He goes with her to the pharmacy to buy the pregnancy test. Wordlessly they drive back home, and they don't say anything when Beth goes to the bathroom and Doofus Rick sits on the couch, waiting.

Five minutes pass. He hears Beth sobbing in the bathroom.

"Sweetie?" Doofus Rick knocks on the door.

"Dad." Beth is crouched on the linoleum, her face blotchy and red, clutching the positive pregnancy test in her hand. She sobs as Doofus Rick takes the test from her, frowning as he sees the pink plus sign darkening in the test strip window.

Beth sobs. She sobs and Doofus Rick hugs her, pulling her into his chest and pressing a firm hand against her head. He shushes her quietly and rocks her gently.

"I-it's okay, Beth. It's, it's okay. We'll do whatever you want, Beth. W-we'll always support you."

Beth dissolves into fresh tears.

"Mom's gonna kill me," Beth cries, and Doofus Rick smiles ruefully and wipes her eyes.

"I-I'll worry about your mother, sweetie. Don't, don't worry about that."

Beth sobs harder.

Jerry is earnest and apologetic, and Doofus Rick sees how his daughter cringes visibly when Jerry swears up and down that he'll take care of his daughter, he'll take responsibility and marry her. Beth has already weathered the wrath of her mother: hours of shouting, of crushed dreams and palpable disappointment, that Beth finds comfort in her father, who hugs her and tells her no matter what happens, they'll always love her.

A part of him wants to yell at Jerry for knocking her up, for sleeping with her without protection, but he sees the misery in his daughter's face, and knows what's done is already done.

"Do you want to have the baby?" Doofus Rick asks Beth, and Beth nods, silently.

"Okay," he says, and he hugs her.

xXx

.

Diane cries almost as much as Beth did.

"R-Rick?" They're in the bedroom. Diane's eyes are blotchy and her face is red. Doofus Rick opens his mouth to apologize but Diane's already burrowing her head into his chest. He holds her while they lie in bed, and it's only after Diane's sobs grow quiet that he hears her sniffing, softly.

"Where did we go wrong?" Diane asks quietly, and Doofus Rick settles her against his chest, pulling the comforter around them. She sniffs and he strokes her hair, kissing her forehead.

"I-it'll be okay," he says, softly. "Beth is a good girl. A-and we'll support her. We always did want another baby."

"I'm so mad at her!" Diane says. Doofus Rick nods.

"I know."

She starts crying again. "I'm too young to be a grandma!" Diane wails, and Doofus Rick laughs softly, hitching her closer.

"Y-you'll be a hot grandma," Doofus Rick says. He plucks a strand of hair sticking to Diane's face. "A really...pretty grandma."

Diane laughs, hiccuping and sniffing. "This is your fault, you know," she says. Doofus Rick nods, stroking her shoulder.

"Yeah," he says. "I-I know."

Their heads share a pillow. Diane searches his eyes, and Doofus Rick brushes back another strand of hair, then fans his thumb across the wet corners of Diane's eyes. Diane smiles, sniffing, then tilts her head upward, kissing him quietly.

"You really think she'll be okay?" Diane asks again. Doofus Rick nods.

"Yeah," he says, and he pulls her close.

"I-I think she's going to be okay."

xXx

.

7.

His inventions lag because he's babysitting baby Summer.

"What are you doing?" Diane asks, as she comes across her husband lying on the couch, lifting baby Summer up and down.

"She likes it! See?" Doofus Rick says, and the baby squeals as Doofus Rick lifts her, giggling happily.

Jerry moves in with Beth after they get married. It's okay - they have the room and it's easier for the baby - but Doofus Rick and Diane have fewer opportunities for privacy. They make love quietly in the bedroom, but are interrupted by the sound of either Beth and Jerry arguing or the baby crying.

xXx

.

He's sitting in the livingroom, playing with baby Summer on his lap, when he overhears his daughter talking to Jerry:

"I don't get why you're so busy," Jerry is saying. "It's just veterinary school. It's not like you're going to medical school."

Doofus Rick lifts his head. He knows Jerry doesn't mean anything by it - the boy is remarkably dense, but he means well and takes direction when he's corrected. Diane told Doofus Rick not to meddle, so he doesn't say anything at first, when Beth says, "What are you saying, Jerry?"

"I'm saying, it's not as if you'll be a real doctor-"

"A-actually, Jerry," Doofus Rick cuts in, because he can see how much the conversation is hurting his daughter, "veterinary school is harder to get into than med school, and when you get down to it, they learn the same things. It's just that they graduate with lower pay and less prestige."

Jerry blinks. "Oh," he says, and then to Beth. "I'm sorry, Beth. I didn't mean to suggest-"

"Whatever, Jerry." Beth doesn't look at him.

She's hunched over a textbook when Doofus Rick knocks on her door.

"Sweetie? Can I come in?"

Beth sighs and closes her textbook. "Did Summer go to sleep?"

"Y-yeah. Your mom is putting her to bed now."

Beth doesn't say anything, so Doofus Rick takes it as an invitation to step around her desk and sit on her bed.

"Dad," Beth says, finally. "Am I a disappointment?"

"What?" Doofus Rick says. "No! Y-y-you're perfect." Beth smiles a little bit at this. Doofus Rick folds his hands.

"I just...I can't believe I got pregnant. And you and mom are stuck taking care of Summer. I'm not even going to be a real doctor."

"Y-you're going to be a horse doctor," Doofus Rick says.

"That sounds even stupider, Dad."

"No, i-i-it's good! You know those zombie apocalypse movies? Doctors always die because they're first in line! It's the veterinarians who survive. I've seen it in other dimensions."

Beth snorts. "So you're telling me by being a vet, I'll be able to weather a zombie apocalypse?"

"Yeah!" Doofus Rick says, and he has such an earnest, hopeful look that Beth shakes her head and starts to laugh.

"You're such a fucking dork, Dad."

xXx

.

He's lying in bed next to Diane when he says, "What do you think about getting the kids a house?"

Diane rolls to face him. "Rick are you serious?" Doofus Rick nods.

"Y-yeah. At the very least, w-we could help them get their own apartment...?"

"What about Jerry's parents?" Diane asks. Doofus Rick shakes his head.

"Jerry says they're living in a commune in the middle of the woods. I-I-I don't think they'd be that much help."

Diane considers. She plucks a thread from Doofus Rick's shirt, then smooths down the fabric. "It'd be nice to get some privacy again," Diane says. She looks up at him. "Can we afford it?"

"W-well yeah. Actually, I...I kind of made a lot of money selling aliens some technology-"

"What?! Rick!"

"Nothing bad," Doofus Rick says quickly. "Just some, some artificial limbs, you know, a-a-and a machine harnessing nuclear fission. I-I-I made a bunch of flerbos for the technology."

"And just how much are flerbos in human currency?"

"Um, actually a lot," Doofus Rick says. Diane frowns at him.

xXx

.

"You bought us a house?!" Beth's eyes are wide as Doofus Rick grins at her, carrying baby Summer and looking around. Jerry follows her, dumbstruck, while Doofus Rick rubs the back of his neck and grins, shyly.

"I-I wanted to surprise you," Doofus Rick says, and Beth squeals and hugs him. Jerry frowns at him.

"Mr. Sanchez, this is really nice of you, but..." Jerry looks around. "I don't feel comfortable with this arrangement."

"I-it's okay, Jerry," Doofus Rick says. "It's as much for you kids as it is for Beth's mom and me. You two are newlyweds, it's natural to want some privacy."

"Oh, Dad, were Jerry and I getting in the way?" Beth says. Doofus Rick quickly shakes his head.

"O-o-of course not, Beth! Your mom and I discussed it. The house is a wedding gift."

They move out over the weekend, Doofus Rick helping Jerry pack and assemble a bunch of Ikea furniture.

xXx

.

Doofus Rick is at his workbench, pausing to take a swig from his water bottle, when he hears Diane calling out suggestively: "Oh, Ri-ick."

Diane strikes a pose by the garage doorway, wearing an open robe and nothing underneath.

Doofus Rick sputters and chokes on his water. "Diane?!"

She crooks a finger, grinning wickedly. "Come here."

"But someone, someone might see..."

"No one's going to see, come here," Diane says.

"W-w-w-what if Beth comes by to drop off baby?" Doofus Rick says.

"Then it serves her right for not calling first."

"Oh boy," Doofus Rick says, blushing. Diane sighs tragically.

"This is our first night alone in years, Rick. Either you come over here or I go use my vibrator on the couch."

"Gosh, Diane," Doofus Rick says, blushing. "I-I'd actually like to see that." Diane laughs happily.

"Good," she says, and she kisses him. "Make sure you use the chain to lock the front door, first."

xXx

.

"Rick?"

"Hm?"

"You're a pretty sexy grandpa," Diane says, smiling. She lies with her head sharing his pillow. He smiles, sleepily.

"You too," he says, softly.

They kiss. It's nice and warm and comfortable, and Diane tucks herself into Doofus Rick's chest, falling asleep.

xXx

.

8.

Months pass, and they settle into a familiar routine.

"Oh, shoot," Diane says. She rummages through the cupboards. "We ran out of baby formula."

"Didn't Beth give us breast milk?" Doofus Rick says. Diane shakes her head.

"She drank all the bottles. Summer'll be waking from her nap, soon. She'll want to take another bottle."

Doofus Rick glances out the window. It's thunderstorming outside and the sky is dark.

"You want me to get it? I-I-I'm almost done with these experiments-"

"No, it's okay, I'll get it," Diane says. She kisses him on the cheek. "Summer's sleeping anyways. No need to interrupt your experiments."

"W-well let me get you the portal gun, it's raining pretty hard-"

"I'll take the car. The buttons are too confusing, you know I hate using the portal gun."

Doofus Rick asks again, "Are you sure? I-I can get the formula, it's raining pretty hard." Diane smiles.

"It's just around the corner. Focus on your experiments. I'll be back, soon."

xXx

.

He hunches over his workbench, losing track of time.

The baby starts crying. Doofus Rick lifts his head, then wanders over to the guest room where they had put Summer's crib.

"Hey, Summer," Doofus Rick says. He picks up the baby and rocks her. "Sorry, sweetie. Grandma's getting you more milk." Outside, the rain is drumming hard against the windowpane; there's a streak of lightning, then the sound of thunder echoing outside.

He opens the fridge and sees one more bottle of breast milk sitting on the shelf. Humming a little, he picks up the bottle and sticks it in the bottle warmer, bouncing Summer a little while he prepares the milk with one hand.

It's still raining. Doofus Rick glances up at the clock while baby Summer nurses on the bottle dreamily. There's probably a lot of traffic, he thinks. He wants to call her, but the driving conditions are probably bad, he doesn't want to distract her. He should have portaled to the store himself instead of making poor Diane drive, and save her the hassle.

Thunder. The lights flicker a little bit, and baby Summer whines against Doofus Rick's chest. He shushes her and strokes her hair.

Hours pass. He gets a call from Beth, who's stuck in class because of the traffic. "Don't worry, sweetie, your Mom and I have her, take your time," Doofus Rick says. He imagines Diane getting irritated and cursing at the traffic.

Evening. The sky is darker now, and the rain has yet to lessen. He feeds baby Summer the rest of the breast milk and puts her to bed, before heating up a pan on the stove. _Diane will probably be hungry_, he thinks, and he browns a little meat and vegetables in oil, glancing at the clock and at the rain which is now pouring sideways. He's washing dishes when he hears a knock at the door.

"Can, can I help you?" Doofus Rick says. There are two policemen standing on the porch.

"Is this the residence of Ricardo D. Sanchez?"

"Y-yes." Doofus Rick feels his stomach clench. "I-is something wrong?" The policemen glance at each other.

"Is it okay if we come in?"

"W-what's this about?" Doofus Rick says.

"Mr. Sanchez, we have some bad news," one policeman says. And then,

"It's about your wife, Diane Sanchez. We're so sorry. She was in an auto accident. She died while the paramedics were trying to revive her."

xXx

.

9.

It's raining too hard for Beth and Jerry to come over.

The silence on the phone hangs, and then there's a low-pitched wail. Doofus Rick can hear Beth sobbing uncontrollably on the other end of the line, before screaming, "_Mom! Mom! No! Mom!_"

"_Beth?_" Jerry's voice comes up behind Beth's sobbing. Doofus Rick hears him take the phone.

"_I'm so sorry_," Jerry says.

"I-it's okay," Doofus Rick says. His hand is around the receiver, gripping the phone, tight. "I-it's raining too hard. I can take Summer the rest of the night."

"_Are you sure? Rick, we're coming over-_"

"Don't drive!" Doofus Rick snaps. He catches himself. He never raises his voice. He takes a breath. "Jerry, buddy. Just stay with Beth, i-it's safer. Summer's almost one, right? I-I'll feed her some solids and a bottle of cow's milk."

"_Rick-_"

"I-it's fine," Doofus Rick says, and his voice breaks. He quickly wipes his eyes. "Summer's already sleeping anyways, so..." his voice catches on a sob.

There's a long pause on the line. He can practically see Jerry nodding.

"_Alright, Rick_," Jerry says. "_But as soon as it stops raining we're coming over._"

"Th-thanks, buddy. Just...just be safe."

Dully, Doofus Rick hangs up the phone.

The little stew he made is still heating in the skillet. The table is set for two people. Dully, Doofus Rick starts putting away the dishes, then scrapes the food into the trash, before numbly washing the skillet. The thunder rolls and Doofus Rick wanders over to the guest room where baby Summer is sleeping; she's curled up in her sleep sack, her little rosebud lips parted with her deep breathing.

He goes back to the bedroom, then sits heavily on Diane's side of the bed. In the morning, he'll have to go to the morgue to identify her body, make funeral arrangements, and go through her papers. Diane's nightgown is still slung carelessly over the edge of the bed, and Doofus Rick picks it up, clasping it in his hands.

It still smells like her. He squeezes his eyes and doubles over, then quietly starts to cry.

xXx

.

10.

He's sitting at breakfast with Beth and Jerry and Summer and Morty, when a portal suddenly flares open.

"Oh man." A Militia Rick belches, then steps into the kitchen. "So this is the dipshit moron Rick who won't join the fuckin' _urrp_ Citadel?" A few other Militia Ricks appear behind him.

"Ugh, not this again," Jerry says. Doofus Rick holds out a hand.

"I-I already told you Ricks. I-I'm not interested in helping you with your experiments."

"Don't flatter yourself. You_urrp _think we want to recruit some dipshit-looking buck-toothed Rick? W-w-w-what do you think we are? Blowin' smoke up your lazy-eyed mentally defective ass?"

Doofus Rick sighs. "The J-19s are agreeable a-a-a-and easy to bully, and honestly I-I'm not really interested."

"The J-19s are mostly dead, dip-ass. Fuckin' killed off in all their universes. Y-you're a _urrp _fucking anomaly because you somehow managed to fucking reproduce. The Council just wants to see what's so special about your stupid ass."

"Maybe he roofied her," another Militia Rick says. The other Militia Ricks snicker and high-five each other.

"Geez Rick, how come all the other versions of you are such assholes?" Morty says. The Militia Ricks snort.

"Hey check it out. His Morty's as dumb as the other ones."

"Grandpa Rick, what the hell's wrong with all your alternates?" Summer says.

"Summer, Morty, language," Doofus Rick says. The other Ricks groan. Jerry stands.

"Hey guys. Fun is fun, but I think it's time to go," Jerry says.

"Yo I told you this was a fucking waste," says a Rick, and he shoots a portal.

"Fuckin' hiding behind a fuckin' Jerry. Jesus Christ."

"Lame," another Rick says. The Ricks step into the portal.

Of all the other J-19s in the Central Finite Curve, Doofus Rick J-19-Omega-12 is the only one who reproduced. But it isn't because he's anyone special. He's just the same as the other J-19s, just as unsure, just as unaware of his own genius. It's really his Diane that was special, a Diane who actually saw him. A Diane who fell in love with him because of who he is.

It makes him sad to think about it. That there were J-19s out there like him whose Dianes didn't care about them.

"You okay, Dad?" Beth says, and Doofus Rick thinks of Diane, thinks of his family and how much they love him.

He smiles and shakes his head.

"Yeah," Doofus Rick says.


	3. Spooning (mature)

.

.

1.

"Look, Rick, I'm really sorry to do this, but...I think I'm going to go home," Diane says. Doofus Rick stands.

"W-why?" Doofus Rick says. "I-i-is something wrong?"

"No, I'm just tired. I have a long day tomorrow and I think I have to go home," Diane says.

"W-well maybe...maybe tomorrow, you know, w-w-w-we could go take a walk at the park? It's really nice there, a-and it's quiet, i-it's my favorite place to go, and-"

"Rick," Diane says, and Doofus Rick falls quiet. "I'm sorry, Rick. I hate to do this, but...you're a really nice guy, Rick, but I mean...I don't really date a lot, you know. I'm just really busy with my work."

Doofus Rick blinks. "Oh. O-okay..."

"I mean, you're a really nice guy, Rick, and you're smart, and...I mean, I think maybe you should be with someone more on your level."

"W-was I talking too much?" Doofus Rick says. "Everybody says I talk too much. I-I'm really sorry, Diane, I just get really excited about stuff, and...and you're important to me, a-a-a-and I wanted to share it, and...oh boy, I really blew it, didn't I, Diane?"

"No, it's okay," Diane says, quickly. "I'm just really busy with work."

"You know, last night, I-I saw that art history book you were talking about, you know? The one about Caravaggio? So I thought, maybe if I read it, you know, maybe I could learn some of the theories a-a-and impress you a little bit, you know...when we first met, I just thought that maybe you might think I'm kind of dumb, you know, because I don't know art or literature like you do. I-I even-" he starts fumbling through his papers, "-I even looked up that one French film, you know, because you said you liked it, a-a-and I thought I'd watch it, you know, but i-it wasn't subtitled and I had to go borrow a French grammar book, a-and the grammar was easy enough to learn but I don't have the vocabulary down, I mean, I can order a croissant now, but..."

He trails off, helplessly.

"I think I was just lonely," Doofus Rick says.

Diane folds her hands quietly in front of her.

"You know French, now?" Diane says, finally. Doofus Rick nods.

"It, uh. I-it took me a couple hours. But I-I-I think I have a pretty good grasp on the language."

Diane smiles at him. "Really? Alors, est-ce que vous me comprendrez si je parle français? Pouvez-vous repondre?"

"Um...you asked if I could understand if you speak in French, and if I could respond. I mean, I can, you know, but I-I'd probably butcher the language."

Diane raises her eyebrows. "You learned an entire language in the span of a couple hours but you can't speak it?"

"I-I mean, I don't have anyone to practice with," Doofus Rick says, and Diane hangs her head and laughs. She pushes back a strand of hair, tucking it behind her ear.

"You really do talk too much," Diane says. She smiles and rubs his arm, fondly. "Maybe we can take that walk in the park?"

Doofus Rick brightens. "R-really?"

"Your hard work paid off. I'm really impressed."

"Oh! W-well. I-I-I also went ahead and, and read a few academic journals, you know, the International Journal of Art and Art History, you know, and-"

"Rick," Diane says. She touches his arm. "Quit while you're ahead, Rick."

"Oh." He ducks his head.

"S-sorry, Diane."

xXx

.

2.

This is what happened the day before their date.

"Guys! I-I-I have a date tonight!" Doofus Rick said.

His colleagues glanced at each other, then took a step backwards. Doofus Rick stepped forward again. "I-I'm so excited - I've never been on a date before."

"Um." His colleague glanced at his other other colleague, then cleared his throat. "Ahem. Who are you seeing, Rick? Do we know her?"

"Y-you know Diane, right?"

They blinked. "Diane? Wait, the freckled blonde-"

"The one you kept staring at and probably made really uncomfortable?"

"The one you followed to her apartment like a creepy stalker?"

"The one you started crying over in the break room because she walked past you and ignored you?"

"Y-yeah!" Doofus Rick said happily, and his colleagues glanced again at each other.

"Uh." His other colleague cleared his throat again, loudly and conspicuously. "Are you sure it's a real date?"

"W-w-w-what do you mean?"

"I mean, Rick, are you sure this isn't some...misunderstanding? You know...that she didn't maybe ask to borrow a book or something, and you didn't round it up in your mind as a date-"

"O-oh, no," Doofus Rick said, smiling. "She, she asked me out herself-"

"Did she use the word, 'date'?" They glanced at each other, doubtfully.

"I-I mean, I think it's implied, you know, she asked me to look over her paper, and I mean, I'm not in her discipline, you know, but I-I-I dabble! A-and it's not unusual to ask other peoples' opinions before you publish-"

"And," his colleagues frowned, "that's the date?"

"She, she asked to meet for coffee." Doofus Rick grinned nervously.

His colleague took a step back, re-establishing a modicum of personal space. "When is your 'date'?" His other colleague frowned at them.

"Oh, it's tonight! A-a-after the department meeting!"

"And...you're wearing that?"

Doofus Rick blinked confused as his colleagues shook their heads. "W-w-w-what's wrong with what I'm wearing?" Doofus Rick said.

"I mean," his colleague gestured. "The bowl cut and the ill-fitting lab coat aren't exactly date material. You'll at least take the coat off, right?"

"I always wear my lab coat," Doofus Rick said, stupidly. "Anyway, you know, I-I was hoping you could give me some tips, you know. I-it's my first date a-and you're both married, I-I was hoping I could ask-"

"Don't be yourself," his colleague said.

Doofus Rick blinked. "W-what?"

"Don't step too close to her. Pretend she has a bubble - don't invade her personal space."

"If her eyes start glazing over when you're talking, she's bored. Stop talking about whatever it is you're talking about and take the hint."

"People don't like being followed, so when she leaves, don't follow her."

"And for the love of God, Rick! Don't talk too much."

The department meeting came and went. Doofus Rick didn't pay attention, he was too excited. He was meeting Diane in an hour! Now in thirty minutes! He was meeting Diane in fifteen minutes and then the meeting was finally over.

He was walking down the hall when he overheard a few people talking. It was his two colleagues, talking to the others. He stopped by the door and listened.

"Jesus, he thinks it's a date? Oh boy. I really hope you disabused him of that notion."

"I mean, he's smart, she probably heard about him in her department - but god, can you imagine? He'd probably be talk at her for hours while invading her personal space."

"Can you imagine having sex with him?"

Laughter. A wheezed, "Jesus Christ!" and then, "with that stupid bowl cut and the lazy eye! I mean, he's so twitchy, can you imagine?!"

"That poor girl...someone needs to warn her."

Doofus Rick's eyes dimmed. He clutched his papers.

xXx

.

3.

The first thing he becomes aware of, as he slowly blinks awake, is the warmth of the bedsheets, and how warm Diane feels pressed up against him.

"Mm." Diane shifts, then presses a soft kiss against his sternum. "Morning." She drapes an arm around his ribs, then cuddles closer.

Doofus Rick beams stupidly. She smiles at him and kisses him, before nudging his shoulder with her forehead. He feels her leg drape luxuriously over his hip before she scoots her body closer against him; he feels her pelvis press against his erection.

"U-um." Doofus Rick blushes and covers his mouth with his hand. "Let me, let me brush my teeth first."

Diane laughs. They both get up to the bathroom.

He bought a toothbrush the night before, when they set out of her apartment to look for bigger condoms: the ones Diane had bought were too small, and after a few fumbling attempts to put one on, she used her mouth on him and told him bluntly they needed to go to the drugstore.

"I-I can't believe it," Doofus Rick says. "I-I was a virgin yesterday, and now-"

Diane grins and mouths his neck. "Yeah?"

"Y-you let me kiss you, and-" his voice hitches a bit as she lowers herself on top of him. "Oh geez, Diane." And he stops speaking because it feels too good to keep focus.

They eat breakfast on the couch, Diane curling her bare legs beneath her while Doofus Rick balances a plate of eggs in his hand. She takes a bite of toasted bagel and lists sideways into his chest, making Doofus Rick blush happily as she tries to feed him a bite of the eggs.

"Do you, do you want to come with me to my apartment?" Doofus Rick asks. "I-I need to get a change of clothes, you know. A-a-a-and maybe we can go somewhere-"

Diane lifts an eyebrow. "You know, most guys would just call this the end of the date."

"O-oh. They do?" Doofus Rick blinks. "I-I'm sorry, am I imposing on you?"

"No, silly, I'm just teasing you." She wraps her arms around his waist. "Yeah. Show me your apartment."

Doofus Rick beams at her.

xXx

.

"Diane?"

"Yeah?"

They're walking down the sidewalk. It's early morning, and the sun hasn't risen yet. The air is cool and he feels Diane wrap her arm around his elbow, leaning against him for warmth. Doofus Rick beams.

"Does this mean you're my girlfriend?"

Diane laughs. She bumps her head against his arm, smiling. Doofus Rick smiles hesitantly.

"W-w-w-what's so funny?"

"You're so cute," Diane says smiling. "Yes, I can be your girlfriend."

His whole face lights up. Diane laughs affectionately.

"You do realize, though, how that ask would be a little creepy."

"But w-we slept together, right Diane? W-why would asking you to be my girlfriend be considered creepy?"

"Some people like to get to know their partner first," Diane says.

"I can't believe I have a girlfriend!" Doofus Rick says, and Diane laughs again, hugging him.

His whole demeanor can be off-putting; he sits too close, speaks too excitedly and rapidly. He's brilliant but lonely and doesn't have any friends.

She cares about him. She resolves to never let him feel lonely again.

xXx

.

4.

It's nighttime, and Diane bounds up the sidewalk, eager to meet Doofus Rick for their fourth official "date." The word doesn't mean much - they've been sleeping together every night for well over a month, but he's been so busy with his experiments and she's been busy with her work, that they haven't actually had time to go out.

He's standing beneath a streetlight by the university steps, and Diane catches his eye and waves.

"Rick!" She beams at him and waves.

He looks up. Their eyes catch, but he just smiles at her sadly.

Diane stops. Normally when they meet, his whole face lights up with a goofy grin, before trotting over to hug her. This time, though, Doofus Rick hunches a little; his eyes are downcast and he looks a little sad.

"What's wrong?" Diane says. She circles her hands around his waist, pulling him close. He takes a shuddery breath, then smiles at her awkwardly.

"Sorry," he says, and she feels him drop his head against her shoulder as she hugs him. He smiles against her neck. "I-I had sort of a bad day."

"You did?" She says. She searches his eyes, rubbing his arm. "What happened?" she asks, and they start to walk. She takes his hand, lacing her fingers around his.

"Nothing, really. I-I just...oh boy, Diane, I-I'm just having a really bad day..."

His voice breaks a little, and Diane stops again, watching worried as he blinks and quickly wipes his eyes.

"Wanna go home?" she asks.

"But...w-what about our date?"

Diane leans closer and shakes her head. "We can go out later, let's get you home." She takes him by the elbow and steers him down the street. They're closest to his apartment; the streets grow darker, only a few street lamps lighting the path compared to the bright lights of the downtown area, and the wind picks up a little, making Diane shiver a bit from the cold.

"Sorry," Doofus Rick says, finally. "I-I know you were looking forward to our date."

"I was looking forward to seeing you, I don't care about going on a date."

He smiles a bit at that. Diane catches his eye and smiles at him, squeezing his hand.

They reach his apartment. She holds back a bit while he fumbles for his keys, his hands shaking a little as he sticks it into the lock. The door jams, and he has to shoulder his way inside before the door gives way. He stumbles, then pushes the door open; Diane rubs his back as they go inside.

He switches on a light. Unlike Diane's apartment, his apartment is messy and in various states of disarray. Half-finished inventions are strewn all over the carpet, and every available surface is covered with draft paper or machine parts or half-scribbled ideas on crumpled up napkins. They've mostly been staying at her place because Diane jokingly told him his place was like sleeping in a warehouse. He pushes a stack of papers off the bed so they can sit, which is cutely typical of him, but Diane has enough wherewithal to realize now isn't the time to tease him. They sit on the mattress, and immediately he hugs her and burrows his head against her neck, moving until they're both lying backwards. She rests a hand against his back as he miserably rests against her shoulder.

"What happened?" Diane asks again. He's lying with his head resting on her chest. Absently she runs her fingers against his scalp, scratching lightly and stroking his hair. He sighs and holds her tighter.

"Nobody likes me," he says, miserably.

"I like you," Diane says. He smiles. "But I know that doesn't really count."

"It counts." His eyes grow distant and glassy again. "Y-y-you know that invention I've been working on? I finally...I finally got it to work. A-a-and I was excited, you know, I was trying to explain it to a colleague, but then, but then they got kind of fidgety and tired of listening to me, but I-I didn't realize it until another colleague came over and they started talking to each other, and pretty soon it was like they shut me out.

"I-I mean, that sort of thing happens a lot, you know, i-i-it isn't anything new, but...but then I saw everybody eating lunch, you know, and I went, I went to sit next to them. But then they all got up and left and I ate alone.

"I mean, I always eat alone, you know. But I guess. I-I wanted to tell someone about my invention, you know. I-I-I was really excited. A-and I started talking to another colleague about my invention and our date, you know, but then he just looks at my other colleague and goes, 'that poor girl must have the patience of a saint,' and they kind of laughed, you know, and I...I asked them what was so funny and they just kind of looked at me..."

"Oh no," Diane says.

"...and, um. You know, they said maybe you're just with me because you feel sorry for me, but then they said they were joking.

"I, um. I told them I didn't get the joke, you know. A-a-and they just kind of looked at me, and I told them, I-I-I didn't understand what was so funny. And Carl - h-he's one of my co-workers, he works with flatworms - Carl says, 'I mean, look at you, Rick. Can't you see why that's funny?' but i-it kind of hurt my feelings, you know, but Carl said he was just joking.

"I mean...I-I'm not stupid, you know. I-I-I know what I look like. But I just wanted to talk to someone about my invention, you know, but no one wanted to talk to me."

Diane presses her lips to his forehead, then shifts his weight against her chest. "Carl sounds like an asshole," she says, succinctly.

He laughs softly, and Diane takes that as an opportunity to reach around and grab the comforter that's bunched up messily in the corner, pulling the blanket around the both of them, kicking off her shoes and curling up against him warmly.

"Diane?"

"Yeah?"

"W-why are you with me?"

Diane shifts to look at him. He moves so that he's lying on his side facing her, his head sharing her pillow. "You could be with any man you want," he says. "W-why would you want to be with me?"

She hugs him. "I don't suppose it'd make you feel better if I told you it's because I have impeccable taste?"

He smiles a bit at that. Diane smiles at him, then presses a soft kiss against his lips. "I don't know," she says, softly. "I'm with you because you make me happy."

"Really?" he asks. She nods against his chest.

"Yeah." She presses a soft kiss against his sternum, then brushes the spot with her fingertips over the fabric of his shirt.

"Diane?"

"Yeah?"

"A-are you with me because you felt sorry for me?"

She presses a kiss to his shirtfront, then lets her fingers worry over the spot. "A little bit. Yeah."

He takes a sharp breath. She hugs him, pulling him flush against her body.

"You said you were lonely," Diane says, softly. "I felt bad, so I thought I'd give you another chance."

He doesn't say anything at that. She shifts against him, thoughtfully.

"Why am I with you? Let's see. You're a good person. You're kind. You're good to me. You like to cuddle and you like those stupid rom com movies more than me-"

He laughs softly at that. She fondly kisses him.

"What else? I like how cute you are when you get excited, how you have the biggest smile on your face when you're talking about your work. I like that you're so tall, you still have to bend forward to kiss me even if I'm standing on my toes-"

He smiles shyly. She kisses him, smiling.

"I like your face," she says, looking up at him. "I like how you smile all shy when you look at me. I like that you still blush when I touch you and how you hold me when you make love to me."

"I like that too," he says, softly.

"I like that I was your first," she says, and she laces her fingers between his. "I hope I'll be your only."

He smiles, but his eyes grow wet and glassy at that.

"Hey," she says, and she rolls him onto his back, kissing him and lying on top of him. "I think it'd make you feel better if you had sex with me."

He lets out a startled laugh, embarrassed and genuinely surprised at that. She smiles and leans forward, kissing him gently and stroking his face.

"Um." He laughs shyly. "Okay."

"Yeah?" She drops a soft kiss against his lips, rocking her hips on top of him. "You can tell Carl how you got laid during your pity date."

"Oh boy." He laughs, startled, and she smiles, kissing him, sliding her hands beneath his shirt and circling his waist.

They make love. They smile as they kiss, until he's thrusting hard and breathing harshly. He comes and she feels him pulsing hard inside her, draping a sweaty hand across his back and holding him, happily.

"I love you," she says. It's the first time either of them have said it. He looks up at her and his eyes fill with tears.

"Rick!" she says, and hugging him. Doofus Rick sniffs and laughs, wiping back tears.

"I-I love you too, Diane. I-I've always loved you. I just wasn't sure when I could tell you."

"Hmm, well I think I already pretty much guessed," Diane says, and he sniffs and laughs, softly.

"I love you," she says again. Doofus Rick smiles.

"I love you too."


	4. Periods of Productivity

.

.

Of all the faculty members at the university, Doofus Rick was probably the weirdest. So when the members of the lab found out he was crushing on a random blonde girl in the library, everyone began to gossip.

"Oh, Diane?" Doofus Rick smiled stupidly. "She's my friend."

"Friend?" His colleagues looked at him doubtfully.

The grad students snickered to themselves whenever they caught Doofus Rick in the library, flirting awkwardly with the blonde girl as she tried to study. "I think she's in the humanities," one grad student said. The blonde girl read old thick books and took notes with a legal pad of paper, obviously trying her best to block Doofus Rick out as he bounded over to her like a happy puppy.

"Hi Diane! W-w-w-watcha reading?"

"Oh. It's for my oral exam."

"Oh, it is? Wow! So then, y-you're almost halfway through your program?"

The grad students cringed to themselves as the blonde girl's eyes flicked upward politely, then focused back on her paper: "Mm hmm."

Doofus Rick pulled up a chair. "Gosh, I remember my orals. I-I was dumb, my dissertation was interdisciplinary. The topics were so broad, i-i-it was crazy!"

The girl glanced up briefly, then looked back at her book. Doofus Rick continued,

"So, you picked your topics a-a-and you're studying for them? W-w-what's your specialty?" He looked over her shoulder. "Wow! Art History! That's, that's really interesting! But, i-isn't art subjective, though? How, how would that even be tested?"

"I guess the same way any other subject is." She put down her pencil. He hovered, awkwardly.

Hours passed. The number of people in the library gradually thinned, and the bright overhead lights were replaced by dim yellow ones. At the back of the library, there was the figure of the girl diligently pouring over her books while a lanky young man kept hovering over her.

"Look at Dr. Sanchez," the grad students whispered. They watched as Doofus Rick bounded over toward the blonde girl like a goofy puppy, beaming brightly and waiting excitedly to be noticed by her.

xXx

.

They were finishing up a meeting when Doofus Rick saw the red cardigan draped over the chair of an empty table. "Oh no," Doofus Rick said, and he picked it up. "I-I think that's Diane's."

His colleague frowned. "Are you sure? Lots of women wear red sweaters, Rick. You should just turn it into lost and found."

"No, but look," Doofus Rick said, and he held up the cardigan. "Here's a few blonde hairs, a-and it even smells like her-"

"Whoa, okay Rick, seriously?!"

"I-I mean, she's blonde, and she smells like strawberries, I-I'm not sure it's perfume, i-it could be body wash o-o-or shampoo," Doofus Rick said. His colleague rubbed his head. "You think I should return it to her?"

"Wha- no, Rick, I think you should put that in lost and found before that poor girl thinks you're stalking her."

"Stalking her?" Doofus Rick blinked. "I-I'm not stalking her."

"Rick, buddy." His colleague put his hand on Doofus Rick's shoulder. "I'm saying this to you as a friend. You're not...the most socially well-calibrated person there is. It may not be your intention to creep her out, but showing up in the middle of the night with her sweater definitely will."

"But, but, Diane's my friend, she knows I-I wouldn't do anything to hurt her-"

"Rick, she tolerates you. All you do is bother her."

Doofus Rick pulled back. "I do?"

"C'mon, Rick. You were hanging all over her when she was trying to study."

"I-I mean, I-I-I had a few overnight experiments that were time-sensitive, I-I thought I'd visit her while I was waiting-"

"I mean, Rick...you're a professor and an academic researcher. She hasn't even done her orals yet. I get that you two are in different departments, but think of the optics. You're an authority figure. It's not a good look."

Doofus Rick stammered. "I-I mean, w-we're about the same age, she's only a couple years younger than me. I-I-I just finished my PhD when I was twenty-"

"Rick, everybody knows you're a genius. But sometimes that means you've got the blinders on, buddy, sometimes it makes you a little myopic."

"I just want to get her back her sweater," Doofus Rick said. His colleague sighed loudly.

xXx

.

Something was wrong during the morning meeting. The research team watched as Doofus Rick went to the head of the room, mumbled through the stack of prior studies, then quickly glossed over their research objectives. His eyes were bleary. He didn't look like he got much sleep.

One of the other faculty members stopped him in the hall.

"Oh. I-I'm fine. I just didn't get much sleep," Doofus Rick said, but the faculty member had a hunch.

"Did something happen between you and that girl?" the faculty member asked. Doofus Rick's eyes began to water.

The faculty member grabbed Doofus Rick by the elbow, leading him to the office. He was supposed to have office hours, but he taped a sign to the door and locked it. Then he made Doofus Rick a cup of coffee, sitting him in front of the desk.

"What the hell happened?" the faculty member said.

"Oh. Um." Doofus Rick blinked, slowly. "I-I tried to talk to Diane, but...but I don't think she's happy with me."

"What do you mean?" the faculty member said. Doofus Rick hunched forward.

xXx

.

"Wait, you showed up at her apartment in the middle of the night just to give her back her sweater?!"

The faculty member stared at Doofus Rick, aghast, utterly floored at the lack of self-awareness and common sense. Doofus Rick groaned, holding his head, while the faculty member berated him: "Rick! You can't go to some girl's apartment in the middle of the night, Rick! No wonder you scared her!"

"I-I just wanted to return her sweater." Doofus Rick held his head, miserably.

"How did you even find out where she lives?"

"I-I looked it up on the university directory." He moaned slightly, holding his head. "She was so upset!" Doofus Rick said. "I-I didn't mean to upset her, I-I just wanted to return her sweater-"

The faculty member frowned, then straightened.

"Listen, Rick. Forget her. She wasn't interested in you anyway. You're a great guy, anyone who doesn't see that has something wrong with her."

"Please don't say anything bad about Diane. I-i-it isn't her fault I upset her."

The faculty member fell silent. Doofus Rick wiped his eyes.

He disappeared into his office. Ostensibly, Doofus Rick was working on his paper, printing out articles to read and evaluating experimental results. Eventually, the lab cleared out, and the benches were empty. A few grad students were sitting in the corner, waiting on a few overnight experiments, when there was a knocking at the door.

The grad students peered over. It was the blonde girl, holding a cup of coffee and asking for Doofus Rick. They watched as he loped shyly toward her, his face brightening visibly as she handed him the cup of coffee. She waited as he finished up his experiments, before standing up and pulling on her red sweater.


	5. Sweater

.

.

This is what happened when Doofus Rick tried to return Diane's sweater.

It was late, and the streets were empty. He knew Diane could be at one of three places: she could be studying at the coffee shop, which was open past midnight; she could be at the 24-hour laundromat where she sometimes read articles while doing her laundry; or she could be at the stacks in the library, where you could reserve a study cubicle to keep from being distracted.

She wasn't at the coffee shop. She wasn't at the library. He glanced around, then took the rickety sidewalk that led off-campus. Unlike the residential areas near the university, the sidewalk was cracked in places and surrounded by chain-link fencing. The walls were covered in graffiti and the ground was littered with garbage. In the distance, he could hear police sirens.

The laundromat was the only building that was lit up from the inside: even though he was still a few blocks away, he still could see the bright white fluorescent lights spilling outward.

The door opened, and the bell above it jingled. He could see Diane walking out with a backpack and a duffel bag of laundry.

There she was. He gripped her sweater and started walking toward her.

"Diane?"

The street was poorly lit, and his voice was drowned out by the sound of wind and cars driving by. She was walking at a brisk pace, so Doofus Rick hitched up her sweater and started walking faster. "Diane? Diane?"

She was hitching her bag closer to her body now, picking up the pace. Doofus Rick started to jog, getting closer. "H-hey! Diane?"

A car turned right, briefly blocking his view.

Oh boy, he was getting out of breath. Did she always walk this fast? He was starting to close the distance between them, now only about half a block behind her.

She got to her apartment complex. He watched her run up the steel metal steps to her second-floor unit, the stairwell poorly lit except for a single orange-yellow light sticking out from the brick wall. He was just about to reach the foot of the stairs when he saw her frantically digging in her purse.

"Diane? W-wait-"

She tried shoving the key into the lock, but her hands were shaking, she couldn't get it in. Doofus Rick bounded up the steps, taking two steps at a time, while Diane threw a glance downstairs, then dropped the keys.

"Diane?" Doofus Rick crested the steps as Diane scrambled for her keys. She snatched them up and whirled around, trying to shove the key back into the lock, when Doofus Rick lurched forward at the top of the stairs.

Diane shrieked. She dropped her keys and flattened her back against the wall.

And then she blinked. "Rick?"

Doofus Rick leaned over, hands on his knees as he tried to catch his breath. "S-sorry. Diane. Y-you were walking really fast-"

Diane clutched her bag to her chest. "Rick?! What the hell are you doing, Rick?!"

"I-I wanted to give you back your sweater," Doofus Rick said. Diane kept staring at him, bewildered, as he fumbled and pulled out her sweater.

"Y-you left this." He held out her sweater, stupidly. "I-I thought I'd return this."

"Wha-?" She stared at him, uncomprehending. And then, "You were chasing me down the street to give me back my sweater? Jesus, Rick. I thought I was gonna get mugged."

"I-is that why you were running?" he said, and it dawned on him. Dark street. Strange guy, shouting and running after her. "Oh geez, Diane, I-I'm so sorry, I didn't mean-"

"How did you find me? We're not on campus, how'd you know where I'd be?"

"W-well, y-you're either at the coffee shop or the library, but it's Tuesday so I figured y-you'd be doing laundry-"

She stared at him harder. "You know my schedule?"

He held out her sweater. "I-I just wanted to give this back to you." She took it, frowning at him.

"I-I'm really sorry, Diane. I-I-I didn't mean to scare you."

"No, it's okay, I'm fine," she said. She didn't sound fine.

Doofus Rick started. "A-are you mad, Diane?"

"No, of course not, I'm fine."

She unlocked the door, then opened it. He started forward, "Can, can I talk to you later, Diane?"

"Maybe later," she said, and then, "Thanks for the sweater," before closing the door.

xXx

.

"You are such a fucking idiot," his colleague said.

Word somehow spread throughout the department about Doofus Rick's hamfisted attempts to return the sweater to Diane. "What the fuck, Rick? You're lucky she didn't call the police - seriously, chasing her down the street? Following her to her apartment?! That's some serious stalker shit, Rick."

Doofus Rick hunched forward. He couldn't concentrate on his experiments. Behind him, he could hear the grad students whispering furtively to themselves, cupping their hands to their mouths and gesturing toward him.

Was Diane angry with him? Did she hate him? Tears filled his eyes as he stared listlessly at his papers.

There was a sound, a door opening and one of the grad students giving directons. "He's over there," the grad student said, and Doofus Rick could hear the sound of footsteps walking toward him.

"Rick?"

Doofus Rick lifted his eyes. His eyes widened.

Diane smiled awkwardly. She held out a cup of coffee.

Doofus Rick tripped as he lurched upright from the bench. "Diane?!"

"I got this for you." She smiled apologetically. "I figure you probably didn't get much sleep. I wasn't sure how much cream and sugar you took, so I got it black. I, uh," she dug through her pockets. "I got these little creamers here, and a few sugar packets."

"Um." Their fingers brushed as he took the cup from her. "Thank you."

The grad students were staring at them.

"Uh, do you, do you want to step into my office?" Oh boy, that sounded really bad. Doofus Rick cringed a little when he remembered his colleague's point - Diane was a grad student and Doofus Rick was a professor. Diane smiled at him.

"Sure," she said, and she followed him out the lab and down the hall.

xXx

.

His office was covered in stacks and stacks of papers: stacks of papers on the floor, a few journals carelessly strewn and stuck in the corners of the room; the surface of his desk covered with papers detailing experiment results and stacks of technical papers. Even the chairs in front of his desk, meant for whatever theoretical students who visited him during office hours were covered with papers. He quickly shoved them on the floor and offered Diane a chair.

"How are you a professor?" Diane said. She glanced around the office before carefully perching on the chair. "I thought you and I were the same age - I had assumed you were another grad student."

"Oh! I-I was twenty when I finished my doctorate."

They lapsed into silence. He watched as Diane fidgeted a little, before tucking back a strand of hair behind her ear.

"I'm sorry about last night," Diane said. "I shouldn't have yelled at you." Doofus Rick raised his hands.

"No, no Diane, y-y-you were right to yell at me! It was dark and I'm a man, o-of course that would be scary!"

"It's okay." She set down her coffee, then smiled at him. "I missed you at the coffee shop. I was hoping you could help me."

"R-really?" Doofus Rick blinked. "W-with what, exactly?"

"Well. I've been working on my prospectus, you know. For my research project. I just wanted another set of eyes to take a look at it. I know you're not in the field, but..." she trailed off.

Doofus Rick got a hold of himself. He nodded, quickly. "Y-yeah," he said. "I can, I can look at your prospectus, sure."

"Really?" she beamed at him.

"O-of course! When do you wanna meet?"

Her eyes flick upward, meeting his.

"Are you available tomorrow night?"


	6. Misunderstandings

.

.

The first date wasn't actually a date: she wanted Doofus Rick to look over her paper and brainstorm possible questions she'd get asked during orals. They had started at the library but moved to a coffee shop after she had gotten hungry and needed a jolt of caffeine.

She had no idea there was a misunderstanding until it was too late.

"Wow, Rick," she was saying. "I gotta say, I think you know the literature better than I do. It's actually a little embarrassing."

She was about to thank him for taking the time to help her when he said, "I'm just happy to spend time with you. I-I'm having a lot of fun on our date."

Diane's eyes widened a fraction. "Date?" she said.

"I-I mean, I was so surprised, you know, that you would ask me. But I've, I've always liked you, Diane, a-and it makes me happy that you like me too."

Doofus Rick was sitting across from her, smiling shyly and watching her with an earnest, hopeful look. She blinked, then stared back at her papers.

"Rick, this wasn't- I mean, we haven't...Rick this isn't-"

He tilted his head, expectantly.

"I mean, you're a really nice guy, Rick, and you're smart, and...I mean, I think maybe you should be with someone more on your level."

Painful doesn't begin to describe how Diane felt when she tried to let him down gently - it's her, not him, she's just so busy - and as she spoke she could see him hunch into himself, his thin arms reflexively folding across his chest.

"W-was I talking too much?" Doofus Rick said. "E-everybody says I talk too much. I-I'm really sorry, Diane, I just get really excited about stuff, and...and you're important to me, a-a-a-and I wanted to share it, and...oh boy, I really blew it, didn't I, Diane?"

"No, it's okay," Diane said, quickly. "I'm just really busy with work."

"You know, last night, I-I saw that art history book you were talking about, you know? The one about Caravaggio? So I thought, maybe if I read it, you know, maybe I could learn some of the theories a-a-and impress you a little bit, you know...w-w-when we first met, I just thought that maybe you might think I'm kind of dumb, you know, because I-I don't know art or literature like you do. I-I even-" he started fumbling through his papers, "-I even looked up that one French film, you know, because you said you liked it, a-a-and I thought I'd watch it, you know, but i-i-it wasn't subtitled a-and I had to go borrow a French grammar book, a-and the grammar was easy enough to learn but I-I don't have the vocabulary down, I mean, I-I can order a croissant now, but..."

He trailed off, helplessly.

"I think I was just lonely," Doofus Rick said.

Diane saw his shoulders hunch. His eyes grew wet and shiny, the hurt edging around the corners. She made a snap decision.

"You know French now?" she asked, finally.

xXx

.

They held hands as they walked down the street, Doofus Rick blushing brightly while Diane fondly clasped his arm. Each step forward was a revelation. She liked him. She really really liked him. The fact that he had confused their study session for a date was funny and cute and she felt a little bit sorry for him.

_I'm going to have sex with him_, she thought. She looked around and saw a drugstore.

"Hey, can we pop in there a minute? I think I want to grab a soda."

"Oh. Okay." He followed her like a puppy into the CVS. "W-whatcha getting?" he watched as she walked to the family planning aisle of the store.

"Oh. Um. I'm just grabbing some tampons. Don't mind me." Quickly she grabbed a pack of condoms and paid while Doofus Rick stood looking at the different soda selections, then stuffed the bag of condoms into her purse.

"I could've gotten them," Doofus Rick said, as he came up to the register. Diane shook her head.

"I'm not making you pay for my tampons. It's only our first date." Silently she thought,_ this wasn't even a date,_ but decided that should be left unspoken.

xXx

.

It's dark in her apartment, and she feels his legs shift under the blankets. He's spooning her, his arm draping across her bare waist as he sighs contentedly. A happy little sound. She feels him press a kiss behind her ear when she says, "Did you know, Rick, we weren't actually on a date?"

He shifts. "Really?" he says. She turns and fits herself into his chest.

"Yeah. I just wanted you to look at my paper."

She presses a kiss to his mouth and feels him smile. The arm tightens.

"Geez."


	7. Misunderstandings, part 2

.

.

They're having sex again, kissing deeply while he thrusts into her rhythmically.

"Diane?" His voice is breathy when he speaks.

Diane wraps her arms around him. "Yeah?"

An exhaled breath, then, "This really wasn't a date?" He pushes up on his elbows briefly, searching her face.

Diane starts to laugh. She lifts her chin to kiss him, grinning and tightening her legs around him.

She likes him. She likes kissing him and holding him. It's probably not a good idea to tell him they're having sex because she felt sorry for him.


	8. First Date (mature)

_Author's note: explicit version on my AO3._

* * *

.

They're about to have sex when Doofus Rick suddenly exclaims, "I-I-I need to write down something!"

"What?" Diane says, bewildered, but Doofus Rick is already pulling on his shorts and rummaging through her drawers.

"Do you, do you, do you have a notepad o-o-or a sheet of paper?"

"In the bedroom?" Diane watches him as he runs around the room for a little bit, before settling on writing on the back of a kleenex box with a ballpoint pen he fished out from the pocket of his pants, which are lying on the floor because they were supposed to be having sex. "Rick, if we're not gonna do this, I'm going to use my vibrator," Diane says.

"O-okay, Diane, if you don't mind...?" because sex is pretty much on the same level as eating a meal or watching a movie, the idea that she could get mad at him doesn't even occur to him.

"You're lucky you're cute," Diane says. She peers over his shoulder. "What are you writing?"

"I-I think I figured out a unified theory of gravity a-and quantum mechanics," Doofus Rick says. He keeps scribbling down a bunch of math. Diane furrows her brow.

"I thought you were a molecular biologist, though? How do you know physics?"

"Oh, I-I dabble a little bit in it," Doofus Rick says. He runs out of room on the kleenex box, but solves that problem by tearing it open and writing on the inside brown part. Diane shakes her head.

It's been six months since their first date, and while most couples start off going to places together, dinner or a movie or stuff outside together, she and Doofus Rick don't so much go on dates as they do meet up at the library, study, and then go home to one of their respective apartments. ("Rick! What the hell is wrong with you, Rick?!" his colleague says, after he finds out all their dates exclusively consist of sitting in the library. Diane intervenes on Doofus Rick's behalf to tell his colleague that it's okay, she's working on her dissertation, she's too busy for that stuff anyway.) They'll have sex and cook dinner and then fall asleep together, then wake up to go about their normal day.

She goes to the kitchen, heating up a little macaroni while Doofus Rick pauses his manic math-writing to take a shower. Dinner is her eating off a plate while she stands by the sink, listening as Doofus Rick runs back and forth, grabbing a few notebooks before hunkering down at the table.

She washes her dish, then walks past him, fluffing his hair as she steps around the table behind him.

"I'm going to bed," she says. He looks up and beams at her. "Goodnight, Rick."

"Goodnight, Diane." They kiss and she leaves him in the kitchen.

xXx

.

She's asleep when she feels the bed sinking with the weight of another person, and she smiles as she feels herself being folded up against him. Diane blinks her eyes open, and sees the digital clock sitting on the nightstand, its green numbers casting a slight glow in the shadows. 2:13 AM. She hears him sigh contentedly, then press a kiss behind her ear.

She rolls over, then kisses him, tilting her head upward as she presses her body against him. She doesn't need the light to know that he's smiling. The kiss deepens and she feels him gently pressing against her.

"You're not gonna stop to write down some weird theorum, right?" Her voice is breathy as he kisses her neck, slipping his hand into her panties and gently rubbing her with the pad of his middle finger. His voice is low when he says, "I-I thought you were gonna use your vibrator?"

Diane smirks, then touches his face.

They kiss again before quietly undressing, Diane pulling off her nightgown while Doofus Rick pulls off his shirt and pants. They push the bedsheets to the side as Doofus Rick rests between her legs, kissing her face and neck and palming her breasts. They make love, and after it's over, she beams and they kiss, Doofus Rick hugging her and burying his face into her neck. He looks happy and he can't stop smiling.

They shower and go back to bed, Doofus Rick cuddling her and spooning against her back. She tugs his arm across her chest, then laces her fingers between his.

"Rick?"

"Y-yeah, Diane?"

Diane shifts, hugging him.

"Your co-worker would give you so much shit if he knew you left me to do math instead of having sex."


	9. Comfort

.

.

He comes back home, utterly dejected. Diane looks up from the couch.

"What's wrong?" Diane says. She holds her arms out and Doofus Rick buries his head against her neck, climbing onto the couch and curling next to her.

"Everybody hates me," Doofus Rick says.

"What? Why? What happened?"

"Remember that theory I came up with a few days ago? The thing about the multiverse and wormholes?"

Diane remembers: they were in the middle of having sex when Doofus Rick suddenly bounded across the bedroom and started scribbling a bunch of math on the white board.

"Yeah?" Diane says. "Did you show them?"

"I-I did. The department chair called a meeting and...oh boy, Diane. No one was happy to see me," Doofus Rick says, miserably.

She gets the story in stops and starts: apparently his flash of insight led to him alienating the entire physics department, because not only did he come up with a Unified Theory of Everything - the holy grail of theoretical physics, a seamless melding of Einstein's theory of gravity and the contradictory mathematical impossibilities of quantum theory - but he did it after studying the literature for a few hours, and his doctorate wasn't even in theoretical physics. "I-I read a little bit," Doofus Rick said, stupidly, which pissed off the entire physics department.

"I didn't mean to question their entire research." Doofus Rick holds his head and moans, remembering. Diane frowns and tugs him sideways against her shoulder.

He pulls his knees to his chest, angling himself so that she can wrap her arms around him. He's so much taller than her that when he lists sideways, his whole body curls up awkwardly against her torso, as if he's trying to shrink himself to better fit between her arms. She presses a soft kiss to his temple.

"Well," Diane says. Her fingertips stroke his brow. "Do you need their funding?" She drags her fingertips softly along Doofus Rick's scalp. A soothing motion. She lets her lips brush against his forehead.

"I-I mean, I guess I don't. I-I could probably build a beta version of a portal gun from stuff in the garage..."

"Then how about you build it, and then show it to them?" she asks. Doofus Rick lifts his eyes.

The sex they have is gentle and affectionate, more about comfort than any specific need to get off. Afterwards, he lays his head on Diane's chest, sighing deeply as she rests her hand on his back. She knows in the morning he'll lock himself in the garage, furiously scribbling down a million calculations and trying to engineer an impossible portal gun, but for now he seems content to press up against her body, drifting to sleep and closing his eyes.


	10. Overheard

.

.

Doofus Rick is walking down the sidewalk when he hears Diane laugh.

Doofus Rick's face lights up. He hadn't expected to see her this early - they weren't supposed to meet up until the end of the day, but she's here now, sitting outside the coffee shop, talking to her friends. He smiles broadly, about to turn the corner to say hi to her, when he overhears her friend say, "Ugh, Diane, your boyfriend is such a mess, what the hell is up with him?"

"What's wrong with her boyfriend?" her other friend says. Her first friend leans forward.

"You know Goofy from Mickey Mouse club? Okay, now imagine if Goofy has a lazy eye and a bowl cut. That's Diane's boyfriend."

Geez, ouch. Doofus Rick stops. He isn't concerned - they already exchanged "I love you's" and he's reasonably secure in their relationship - but he still stays by the wall, listening. Her friends snort. One friend elbows another.

"Well, if that's the case," her other friend waggles her eyebrows. "It's not like in the dark she can see him."

They laugh, and Diane laughs along with them. There's a pang in his chest as Doofus Rick reddens.

"I mean, he is pretty funny-looking-" and it hurts, a little bit, she knows he's self-conscious about his looks, "-but I actually think he's really cute."

Doofus Rick lifts his head. Diane is smiling, playing with a napkin. "He's the sweetest guy I've ever been with," she says. "I love him and I wanna have goofy-looking babies with him."

"Ugh, Diane."

"Seriously?"

Doofus Rick's heart swells. She loves him. She really loves him. He already knows that, technically, but it's nice to hear her say it to her friends. He peers around the corner and sees Diane's back as she leans forward at the table.

"He's a great guy," Diane says. "He's so sweet and nice, he's not like any of the other guys I've dated. And he's smart! He's like, genius-level smart, but he's humble and he's not going to go bragging about it."

"I heard he's some kind of prodigy," her friend says, nodding. Diane grins.

"You know what else?" Diane says.

"What?" her friends say.

"He's really big," Diane says.

"No! Stop it."

"I'm serious! He couldn't fit using normal condoms, we had to go back to the store to buy magnums."

Doofus Rick flushes. Geez. He didn't know this is the way girls talked. He looks around the corner and sees her friends frowning skeptically.

"Isn't that like, the Elephant Man having normal genitalia or something?" her friend says, frowning. Diane smacks her arm.

"My boyfriend is not the Elephant Man," Diane says. Her other friend leans forward.

"So...is it good?" her friend asks. "Being with someone bigger, and all?" Diane nods.

"He's really good," Diane says. "And he has no ego about things, so he doesn't take offense if you correct him. And, uh." Diane grins. "I told you he's a genius, right? So he's a really fast learner."

Their friends laugh. Doofus Rick feels his ears burning. It's flattering but also a little bit embarrassing. He sees Diane smile, thinking about him.

"But it's not even the sex, though." Doofus Rick looks up. "He's sweet and shy and a little awkward, you know, but it's really cute."

"Wow, Diane. You fell hard," her friend says. Her other friend nods.

"Yeah, look at you, Diane. You're smiling like a moron."

Aw, Diane. He grins to himself, happily. There's a warmth in his chest, and he has the sudden urge to scoop her up and hug her.

Their friends get up to leave. Diane is putting her things back in her purse when Doofus Rick rounds the corner.

Diane lifts her head. She sees him and her face brightens.

"Hi honey," she says, smiling.

"H-hi." Giddy, he stoops down to hug her, kissing her and grinning stupidly against her cheek.

Diane grins. "What's this for?" she asks. Doofus Rick answers by hugging her tighter.

"I just wanted to kiss you," he says, smiling.

"Hm." Diane straightens and looks at him with mock seriousness. "Is that right?"

She tugs on the lapels of his lab coat, straightening the fabric. They go to the table.

"What are you doing here?" she asks. He smiles.

"I, uh, was going to get a coffee."

"Oh, I got you one already." She bends down and holds up the little cardboard carrier. "I was going to stop by your office later."

His heart swells. She picks up the cup, and their fingers brush as she hands it to him. It was so thoughtful. He loves her so much!

"Do you have time to stay a little bit, or do you have to give a lecture?" she asks. He sits down across from her, shaking his head.

"I have a little time," he says. "Actually, I-I overheard you talking to your friends," he says.

"Oh, really?" she grins. "Did you hear me singing your praises?"

"I, um. I overheard your friends calling me a mess," he says, and he chuckles a bit. Diane's face goes pale.

"Did you hear me call you funny-looking?" she asks, worried. "Oh, Rick, I'm so sorry, I was just kidding. I love you-"

"No, Diane, i-it's okay," Doofus Rick says. "I mean, I-I am funny-looking, you know? I see myself in the mirror."

"I don't actually think you're funny-looking," Diane says. She holds his hands, concerned. "Did I hurt your feelings?" she asks. Doofus Rick nods.

"Y-yeah, I mean, a little. But then you said all those nice things about me," Doofus Rick says, and Diane lifts her head. "I-it made me feel good, you know? Saying you love me and want to have my goofy-looking babies."

Diane cringes. "Oof. Sorry, Rick."

"W-why are you sorry?" he asks. Diane shakes her head.

"If we had babies, I'm sure they wouldn't be funny-looking," Diane says. Doofus Rick smiles.

"When we have babies, let's hope they take after her mommy," Doofus Rick says.


	11. Overheard, part 2

.

.

"Hey, Rick?"

They're walking down the sidewalk, holding hands. Doofus Rick glances over. "Y-yeah, Diane?"

"You didn't, uh, overhear me talking about your, um..."

"My penis? Y-yeah, I did, a little bit. It was kind of embarrassing, to be honest."

"Oh, sorry, Rick! I won't talk about it anymore, I promise."

A beat. And then,

"I-I mean, I guess I don't mind if you tell other people about it."


	12. Misunderstanding, part 3 (mature)

_Author's note: explicit version on my AO3_.

* * *

.

This is what happened when they found the condoms didn't fit.

"Hey Rick?"

"Y-yeah?"

"You wanna get more condoms?" She rolled over, facing him. "The drugstore's probably still open."

"We don't have to," Doofus Rick said, but Diane hugged him and kissed him, resting her body against his.

"I want to have sex with you. Unless you'd rather go to sleep?"

"I guess it's not that late," he murmured. His eyes were closing, but he pushed himself awake. They got up and got dressed, Diane pulling on her coat and taking Doofus Rick by the hand.

xXx

.

The clerk at the drugstore didn't seem to recognize them, but Diane could tell Doofus Rick was still embarrassed. He shuffled hesitantly behind her as she walked confidently to the Family Planning aisle, picking up the black box of Magnums and a bottle of lube before striding up to the register.

"A-are you sure those won't be too big?" he asked. He seemed embarrassed. "It says it's extra large, I-I don't think they'll fit-"

"Well let's just call it an experiment," Diane said, and she set their things on the counter, reaching for her wallet. Before she could pay, though, Doofus Rick handed the cashier a wad of crumpled bills, his ears burning red as he awkwardly took the bag from the cashier. Diane giggled.

"Thanks," she said. She hugged his arm, smiling at him.

"I-I mean, I'm not gonna make you pay for them. I-I wish you told me earlier, I would have bought those condoms."

He didn't seem as nervous back at her apartment. She kissed him and held him and was only a little surprised when he reached behind her to pull out the box of magnums. Wordlessly, she tore open the gold foil and positioned the ring over his cock, and she let out a delighted squeal when it fit perfectly, but still wasn't quite long enough. She laughed. "Seriously?!"

Doofus Rick cringed, but Diane poured a little lube on her hand and began stroking his cock with the slippery liquid. "Just in case you don't fit," she explained, and he laughed, embarrassed.

She leaned back on the mattress, reaching down to guide him and position him between her legs. She felt the blunt head of his cock pushing into her, the lips of her labia stretching to accommodate him. "Wow," Diane said. He gasped and slid in all the way. "You really are big."

He let out an embarrassed laugh, collapsing onto her shoulder.

They had sex. When it was over, he let out a happy sound, and she reached up to kiss him, smiling against his mouth. "Congratulations," she said. She pressed another soft kiss. "You're not a virgin."

"Aw, geez." He ducked his head, laughing quietly as she hugged him.

They cleaned themselves, then got back into bed. His body felt good and warm and she snuggled against him, wrapping her arms around his waist as she pulled up the blankets. Earlier, he had babbled nervously about learning French and confessing to her that he felt lonely, but now he seemed happy, sleepy and content. His eyes were closed but he was smiling. Diane smiled and kissed him again, before resting her head on his shoulder and closing her eyes.


	13. Before

.

.

"Rick, where do you keep your dishes?" Diane opened a cabinet and was dismayed to see only a rack of test tubes and Erlenmeyer flasks. "Don't you have any pots and pans?"

"Oh, um." He went over to the kitchen. "I-I have a cast iron skillet in the oven."

"Do you have a sauce pan? Something I can boil water in?"

"Um, I have this," Doofus Rick said, and he pulled out a large metal basin, which looked like the metal liner to a piece of science equipment. " I-I use this for water baths."

"Rick, how do you cook? This is ridiculous." Diane put her hands on her hips, frowning at him.

Doofus Rick demurred. "W-well. I don't really cook..."

"What do you do when you need to eat?" She opened another cupboard and shook her head at the pile of tools that were lying on the shelves.

"Um, I mean, they have yogurt in the teacher's lounge-"

"So you scavenge for yogurt? That's it?" She picked up what looked like an extension clip, a two-pronged burette clamp, then set it down again. "Ugh, Rick, no wonder you're so thin."

She took inventory of the rest of his kitchen: his fridge was empty except for a carton of expired milk and several jugs of god-knows-what that needed refrigeration for his experiments. The cupboards were bare except for a line of graduated cylinders where one would expect to find drinking glasses, and the silverware drawer was full with crumpled paper and duct tape and miscellaneous hardware. The pièce de résistance, though, was the large rolling white board he had propped up behind the kitchen table.

"It's like a garage in here," Diane said. She poked around. "Oh hey. A box of cereal." Captain Crunch, actually. She shook it open and popped some in her mouth. "And they're stale."

"Geez," Doofus Rick said, blushing. She padded around the linoleum, frowning.

"We need to take you shopping," Diane said.

"I-I mean, we usually stay at your place, whatever we'd get would just go bad-"

"You use your freezer as a pantry, dummy. We'll blanch some veggies and put them in freezer bags. And at least we could get a few packages of meat." She opened the freezer and frowned at the empty ice tray staring back at her. "You have spices?"

"Um..."

"I'm going to take that as a no." Diane shut the freezer door.

xXx

.

She was an art historian, not a scientist, but she had equally as astute powers of observation.

A meal for Doofus Rick was a small package of crackers that were smashed up in his pocket along with a big gulp of coffee. Half the time he'd be scribbling out calculations next to a sad sack lunch of untouched sandwiches, which withered on the workbench, ignored and uneaten. He would go whole days without eating, working with a manic energy that needed only a few sugar packets and coffee to sustain him.

"Did you eat?" It bothered Diane that the only source of calories for him was from whatever pastry she bought at the coffee shop. "Rick, please tell me you had something other than that brownie."

"I had a cup of coffee," Doofus Rick said stupidly.

xXx

.

His closet was a travesty.

Dingy lab coats, a few blue shirts with holes in them. He had exactly one suit that was probably too big to properly fit him, and the dress shirt that was paired with it was yellowed and stained. "Rick, this is terrible," Diane said. She tossed a few of his more ratty pieces onto the bed, where Doofus Rick was perched on the edge, knees to his chin and watching nervously. "This one has a hole so big you can see your nipple through it. Seriously?"

"I only wear that at home, and i-it's comfortable," Doofus Rick said. Diane tossed it onto the pile.

She started cutting his hair - Doofus Rick had absolutely zero vanity, a haircut for him meant buzzing around the circumference of his head with a pair of clippers - but Diane actually took the time to make him semi-presentable. "Wow," Doofus Rick said. He ran his fingers through the short hairs at the back of his head. "This looks nice."

"Yeah?" Diane shook the clippers over the trashcan, then set it on the sink. "It was my first time doing it."

Doofus Rick laughed. "R-really?" he said.

She stepped beside him, looking at their reflections in the mirror.

"Well I mean, at the very least, I can see what I'm doing," Diane said.

xXx

.

"Huh," his colleagues said. Doofus Rick was busy purifying proteins for activity assays, hunching over the workbench engrossed in his work, and for lack of a better word, he looked...normal. Not twitchy and weird-looking, which is how he usually looked, even without his lazy eye and buck teeth. He looked like he knew what he was doing. That was a first.

"Did you fill out?" his colleague said. Doofus Rick looked up, startled.

"W-what?"

"You gained weight." His colleague stared. He didn't look like a spastic gumby skeleton. He just looked like a tall, average-looking man. Doofus Rick rubbed his neck, sheepishly.

"I have?"

"Yeah, you know. You don't look like a walking question mark anymore."

"What did they mean, I look like a question mark?" Doofus Rick asked Diane, when they met at the coffee shop later. "Did he mean I looked confused o-or that I don't know what I'm doing?"

Diane stood up, then hunched her shoulders, showing him.

"See?" Diane said. She held her elbow across her chest, copying him. "Question mark."

"Oh," Doofus Rick said. Diane kissed him and laughed, wrapping an arm around his waist, squeezing him.


	14. After

.

.

There are Erlenmeyer flasks shoved unceremoniously next to the dishes.

Doofus Rick is hunched over the table, writing out calculations with a stubby pencil. There are little nicks in his scalp from where he shaved his bowl cut and grease stains on his lab coat. He's working so furiously he doesn't notice Diane walking barefoot into the kitchen, nor the fact that she's only wearing a T-shirt and panties, obviously about to go to bed. She fluffs his hair as she walks past him, and he smiles and glances up briefly, before going back to his calculations.

"Jesus, look at Rick." His colleagues glance up as Doofus Rick comes in the next day, wearing rumpled clothes with that stupid, toothy grin. "He looks like a trainwreck. What happened?"

"I think she stopped trying," his other colleague says.


	15. Misunderstandings, part 4

.

.

"Gosh, Diane, I-I never thought this would happen."

They had just finished having sex for the first time, Doofus Rick holding Diane close while Diane tugged his arm around her chest, lacing her fingers around his. "I-I've always liked you, Diane," he said, and Diane smiled, pulling his hand upward to kiss his knuckles. She shifted, turning, then bumped her head against his chin.

"I like you too," Diane said. She dropped a soft kiss against his chest, just below his collarbone. His thin arms wrapped around her and she pressed her lips against his skin, nuzzling him.

"You know, I-I always thought, you know, maybe you just thought I was a huge dork or something."

"Mm. You are a dork. You're my dork."

"R-really?"

She propped herself up on her elbows, her hands resting flat against his chest as she looked up at him. "I slept with you, didn't I?"

He laughed. She grinned and kissed him, a strand of hair falling over her face. She felt his fingers shyly brushing her hair back, tucking the strand behind her ear, then resting carefully against her cheek.

Soft kisses. The feel of his heartbeat beneath her cheek. She pressed her lips against his chest and let her fingers gently splay over the sparse spattering of chest hair below his navel, before wandering upwards to carefully palm his ribs. She felt tired in a good way, and she exhaled deeply, drifting to sleep.


	16. Marriage

.

.

The thing is, Doofus Rick never really had any friends.

He had his books. In school he would hide the awkward loneliness by burying his nose in a book, focusing his restless mind on the words on the page. While others were partying and making friends, Doofus Rick was more at home noodling around the office or the lab, hanging out in the protein crystallography room or the microscope room, using the spinning disk microscope to track fluorescent-tagged single molecules, hide among the temperature-controlled incubators of genetically modified bacteria. Following a question to its logical conclusion was easiest for him, not having to navigate all the complicated uncertainties of human emotion.

He kept going on like that. Day after day, painfully shy and awkward and introverted. Working staved off the loneliness and the gnawing, aching feeling that he didn't belong.

"You know I love you, right?" Diane says one night, lying in bed next to him, after he's been uncharacteristically quiet. She thoughtfully strokes the skin of his arm, her lips just barely grazing the skin of his collarbone. Doofus Rick turns and Diane looks up and smiles at him, and she's so open and kind and trusting, and Doofus Rick's eyes fill with tears.

"Rick?" Diane wraps her arms around him. "Rick, what's the matter, Rick?"

"I-I-I-" Doofus Rick sniffs. "I'm just...I-I'm just so happy, Diane."

"I'm happy too."

He never realized how lonely he was until he found someone to come home to.

They don't have a wedding. Instead it's a simple trip to City Hall, filling out necessary paperwork and a quick ceremony. They kiss and Diane fits easily against his scrawny chest, feeling soft and warm as she hugs him.

"I'm glad that you're my husband," she says on their wedding night. He beams happily against her forehead.

"Me too."


	17. Three Ricks

.

.

Two Doofus Ricks sit in the middle of a coffee shop. They look exactly alike except for the small yellow ring around one Doofus Rick's finger. It gleams in the light as he gestures.

J-19-Zeta-7 bends forward, looking at J-19-Omega-12's ring. "Do you want to see?" Omega-12 asks. Zeta-7 flushes, about to apologize for staring, when Omega-12 smiles kindly and slips off the ring. "There's an inscription inside the band," Omega-12 says. J-19 takes the ring and holds it inside.

"I-is that your anniversary?" J-19 asks. He sees the small, delicate numbers engraved on the inside of the band.

"Yeah! Diane suggested it, so I wouldn't forget."

J-19 grins and hands the ring back to him.

A barista calls out, "order for Rick!" and Omega-12 rises apologetically: unlike Omega-12, Zeta-7 told the barista to use "Ricardo" on the cup - when they ordered, they both froze when the barista asked them what names to use, when J-19 blurted out, "Ricardo." ("Wait, a-a-are you sure?" Omega-12 said. "Y-you can use Rick, I can use Ricardo."

"I-I mean, it's your universe," J-19 said. "Technically you're the Rick over here.")

A couple grad students walk into the shop as Omega-12 sits down. "Oh my god, Dr. Sanchez! I didn't know you have a twin!" she says. Omega-12 smiles.

"H-hi, Ruby! Y-yeah. This is my counterpart...he-he's also Dr. Sanchez."

"Hello," J-19 says, smiling. The grad students smile and shake his hand.

"Oh my god, Dr. Sanchez, this is gonna sound totally weird, but...can we take a picture?" one of the grad students says. "We didn't know you guys were twins!"

"Sure," Omega-12 says, and he and J-19 smile as they take their picture.

"Can you, can you send it to me?" Omega-12 says, and the grad student nods, grinning, and texts it to his phone.

"Wow," Omega-12 says. J-19 peers over his shoulder.

Twin Doofus Ricks, smiling over cups of coffee - it's actually not bad a picture.

"You know, I know them both i-i-in my universe," J-19 says, as the grad students leave. "Actually, in my universe, they started dating."

"Really?" Omega-12 says. "Gosh, my colleagues and I always suspected...I-I-I wonder if my grad students are dating too."

They talk. Besides the wedding ring, there are other slight differences: Zeta-7 drinks his coffee black, while Omega-12 opts for a latte amped up with extra sugar packets; Omega-12's wallet is filled with pictures of his family while Zeta-7's wallet is empty.

"So, so, so how did you end up with Diane?" Zeta-7 says.

"Oh," Omega-12 says, smiling. "She asked me."

"Really?"

"Yeah! I-I-I was so surprised. She asked me for a cup of coffee a-a-and we went out on a date."

"Wow, that's so interesting! My Diane never talked to me, and I-I-I was too nervous to talk to her."

They hold their cups, mirror images of each other except for the wedding band on one Doofus Rick's hand.

"Actually," Omega-12 says, quietly. "Sometimes, I-I get kind of lonely." J-19 lifts his eyes.

Omega-12's hands take the shape of his coffee cup. His eyes grow distant and hazy. "Losing Diane was the worst thing in my entire life," Omega-12 says. "I wish she weren't the one who died. I wish it had been me."

"I'm sorry," J-19 says, but Omega-12 shakes his head.

"As much as it hurts now, I was lucky enough to be with her. I-I can't imagine what my life would be like, you know, i-if I'd never been with her."

They look at their cups, silently.

"Jesus," someone says, and the two Doofus Ricks look up. C-137 Rick is standing behind them. "What the fuck, this is like the most depressing scene in the coffee shop. W-w-w-what do you two dipshits have to cry for? Did someone shit in your latte?"

"Hi Rick," Zeta-7 says, smiling. Omega-12 rises.

"Hi. I-I'm Rick J-19-Omega-12. Uh, Widowed Doofus Rick."

"C-137. Terrorist Rick."

"I really wish you wouldn't call us Doofus Rick," Zeta-7 says frowning, as Omega-12 and C-137 shake hands.

"Did you, did you order a coffee yet?" Omega-12 asks. He sits back down as C-137 takes a chair. C-137 shakes his head.

"Eh, I got my own shit," C-137 says, and he opens his flask and takes a swig.

xXx

.

"So yeah. Murdered a few people, blew up some shit, joined the intergalactic resistance...eventually I fuckin' slowed down, you know, did my own shit. Started selling weapons and technology a-a-and whatever hard-to-get-to shit for money."

"Wow," Omega-12 says, while Zeta-7 nods, listening. "So then, did you bring Diane?" Omega-12 asks.

"What?" C-137 says.

"Diane," Omega-12 repeats. "Y-you did all that stuff, w-w-what happened with your Diane?"

"Oh." C-137 takes his coffee and pours in the contents of his flask. "Divorced."

Omega-12 leans forward. "Really?"

"Yeah. It was a fuckin' waste. It's embarrassing to think I _urrp_ bought into that bullshit in the first place."

"Diane was the most wonderful thing in my life, h-h-how could you feel that way?" Omega-12 says. C-137 leans forward.

"Jesus, are you kidding me? I thought you were a genius," C-137 says. "It's just pheromones and chemical reactions and shit."

"Are all regular Ricks like this?" Omega-12 asks Zeta-7. C-137 sighs tragically.

xXx

.

"Wait, you and your Diane fought?" Omega-12 seems shocked at the notion. C-137 nods.

"Yeah. Fuckin' all the time. What, you telling me you guys never had a fight?"

"I-I mean, we had our disagreements, you know, all couples do, but..." Omega-12 furrows his brow. "You told her you didn't love her?"

"Uh huh."

"And you just...went off and left her?"

C-137 swirls his coffee. "Yeah, so?"

Omega-12 looks horrified. J-19 looks back at Omega-12, then back at C-137 uneasily.

"Ha ha! I'm just messing with you! Yeah no, it was fucked up." C-137 takes a swig of his coffee, which by now is mostly vodka. "So, you're a fuckin' boy scout. What did you and your Diane ever fight about?"

"Oh. Um." He blinks, then takes a breath. "I'm ashamed I have to say this, but sometimes I-I stayed out late in the lab, you know, a-and she'd feel neglected. Or that I wouldn't spend time with her because I was too busy doing science." Omega-12 plays with his coffee cup, twirling it silently. "Sometimes, I-I'd be working so late, I wouldn't come home, I'd sleep in my office on a cot."

He falls silent, staring at his coffee cup.

"I took her for granted," Omega-12 says finally. He twists his wedding ring, quietly. "I don't know why she put up with me."

"That's because Dianes fundamentally had fuckin' low self-esteem," C-137 says.

"Um." Omega-12 rubs his forehead. "I-I realize you're talking about your Diane, Terrorist Rick, and all, but I-I don't like hearing you say stuff like that. I-I love my Diane. I'd give anything to have her back."

"Yo, you're quiet," C-137 says to J-19. J-19 starts.

"O-oh! Uh. I-I never dated Diane, so I don't really have anything to add."

C-137 throws his thumb toward him. "He's a fuckin' virgin."

J-19 starts, "Hey!"

"I mean, I tried to help him, but he fuckin' high-roaded me for paying a goddamn escort."

"I mean, I-I've been celibate since Diane died, so you and I are pretty much the same," Omega-12 says to J-19.

"Celibate?" C-137 raises his eyebrows. "Jesus. Seriously? Bro. Y-you know there's no 'The One,' okay, that's all mystical voodoo bullshit. Y-you're basically rounding up a .75 to 'good enough to get married.' Which, by the way, is also bullshit. Y-you can thank society or the wedding industrial complex o-or those douchebags who come up with hallmark holidays."

Omega-12 sighs. "I think I need another coffee."

xXx

.

In the coffee shop, the bell above the entrance jingles.

"Oh my god - you guys are triplets?!" someone says.

The three Ricks look up to see the grad students coming back into the coffee shop again.

"Sorry to interrupt," one of the grad students says. "I forgot my jacket - Dr. Sanchez, you're part of triplets?"

"The fuck are they?" C-137 says. Omega-12 smiles apologetically.

"Guys, this is, um, our other counterpart, Rick."

"That's so cool! I thought you were just twins."

C-137 leans back. "Yeah, they're mono_urrp_ -zygotic, I'm dizygotic. And you can see who lost the genetic fucking lottery," C-137 says.

"Are you a professor, too?" they ask.

"Seriously? I'm a fucking genius, okay. Not like these two dipshits. Only stupid people go to school," C-137 says. The grad students glance at each other.

"H-he's kidding," Omega-12 says. J-19 nods emphatically.

"Y-yeah. He...he's got kind of a gruff sense of humor."

"Yeah, 'mom' is super proud of those two," C-137 says. "Jesus, can you imagine if we were fucking triplets? I'd fucking kill myself in the fucking womb."

"You're not...triplets?" the grad students blink at them. J-19 and Omega-12 start to answer but C-137 cuts in.

"Nope. I'm an alternate version of your professor, from an alternate dimension in a different universe."

"Oh wow. Funny," the grad student says.


End file.
